Crawl up and cry
2004-12-23, 12:16 a.m.

Well, I guess UCLA is out. My insurance only covers 21 days and expects a high copayment. Howevever, they will cover 100% on another hospital near by. Anyone know anything about St. Joseph in Orange? That's my next assigment. If it's a good program, that's where I'm headead.
Julio cried when he read the card I made him. He was also happy about the rest of the gifts. I felt all warm and happy when he hugged me and kind of petted me on the head and neck. Usually i'm all anti-touch-freak-out-body-contact type of person, but I welcomed it. I wonder if I'm being weird but I keep feeling my bun like he did and trying to feel what he felt. Everytime I do it, I feel happy. I must sound like a pathetic lonely person. I am pathetically lonely. I also gave his wife her scarf I knitted but she didn't open it in front of me. I hope she likes it. She seemed really happy I got her a gift though. She just made my appointments and talked about how if St. Joseph is a good program then we should shoot for that because my insurance covers it. It was uncomfortable because it's like she knows about my eating disorder but i've never told her directly.
As I was walking out of the building my cell phone rang. It was my sister. I got kind of creepy feeling in me. My sister makes me feel scared for some reason. We talked for awhile. I sat in my car in the parking lot as we chatted. She told me she isn't coming over Christmas morning. My dad called her and asked her, and she said no. I asked why not? And it's because of that huge Ohio fight my sister and dad had when my dad said "well maybe you shouldn't come around anymore" and she "fine, i won't!" Since then, she hasn't come over. I guess that includes Christmas and my dad didn't protest much about it when he called because she's not doing her regular thing for the Holiday. She did say, however, that my brother, myself, and my dad can come over there. We'd have to ditch my mom somehow. I don't mind but I know that makes my dad uncomfortable. I feel bad for my dad - being in the middle of this all. It's not my problem but I still can't help feeling bad. He should divorce that cruel bitch but he is getting torn between the hassel of making up lies and a daughter that is demanding he make up all these to get out of the house so she doesn't have to see her. I understand why my sister doesn't want to see her but I wonder if it's unfair. I really don't know. It COULD be too much to ask my sister to sacrifice one day. Really. One day with my mom is too much to bare. She's a nasty bitch that makes me want to tear my eyes out.
I really don't know what the right thing is in this situation. I wish my sister called before I saw Julio. I have a feeling he'd side with my sister because he's not too fond of my mother. No one is.
I'm cold. And kind of depressed. I feel like crawling up in my bed and crying. No exercising tonight. I don't have the will. I just feel like feeling sorry for myself.