2005-01-01, 9:56 p.m.
Today I realize how empty my life is. My days revolve around trying to eat as little as possible, but not trigger a binge, and pondering if I can handle bingeing because I really really want to but I really really don't want to puke.
I'm so bored and so sad. I lay on the couch with my plug in blanket pondering something to do. Should I rent a movie? There's nothing I want to see and that would just move my idle self to another location. Should I go for a walk? I can't fathom getting up and I don't think I have the energy. Today I went to Target and got my dad a birthday gift and when I got home, I collapsed on the couch. I think this 300 calories a day is starting to catch up with me. When I stood up from laying down by the fire, I'd get dizzy. I've been taking naps everyday, too.
My dad has noticed my constant laying around and sleeping. While sitting on the recliner with my blanket, he asked if I was feeling okay. I said not really, kind of drained. He shoved a napkin of vitamins at me and racked off what they were. I continued to watch Runaway Bride on TV and swallowed them, ignoring him.
I didn't make it to day four today. Kind of. I haven't had a planned sit down cooked binge in awhile, but I did puke today. Twice. I had my two egg whites on toast with salsa, then layed down on the couch. Then I decided it was too much, got up, and puked it. Then lied back down and fell asleep. I don't know what caused that. Later I fixed myself a veggie sandwich on one piece of toast with mixed veggies, lots of ketchup and mustard. It was good but I was still hungry. One thing led to another and I kept eating. Purged, bath, and now I'm in bed. But I didn't binge on how much I usually eat so I feel kind of better about that. I just realized the only thing I kept down today was a small frozen yogurt and some sugar free jello. go me.
But I still feel like crap. Emotionally and physically. I feel worn down and depressed. Everyday is so repetitive, I'm desperate for something to do, and my dad is getting on my nerves. He called me "piggy" for spilling my tea. Ugh. And just the fact he never acknowledges me, talks to me, encourages me, ANYTHING, makes me feel like a stranger in my own house. He makes me feel so unwanted and like shit. I feel like I shouldn't even been born and that he doesn't want me. He's never happy. No one in my family is every happy and it irritates the hell out of me. I try to be in a good mood, even if it's fake sometimes, and they just give me these cynical responses to everything. Would it kill them to have a sense of humor? This whole house is bringing me down.
I see Julio on January 11th. He's on vacation. I see my drug doc 2 days before that. I don't even care anymore. I sent an email to St. Joseph's requesting information, but I know I should call. That's probably a more reliable way to get info. I wish Julio was the one calling. I wish I didn't have to go. I was driving the other day and I saw a girl eating a piece of chocolate. The first thing I thought was "It's not fair." I wish I could just eat a piece of chocolate without thinking how it's going to affect me. Can't I just eat it?
I just want to die.