2005-01-01, 4:13 a.m.
I can't sleep. It's 4:13 A.M. and I am wide awake. These past few days I've been sleeping in incriminates of 2 hours, waiting for the time to get up. When I was bingeing and purging I'd collapse into bed and sleep straight through the night. When I first got on my break, I slept straight through the night for a long 10 or 11 hours. Now I'm just anxious and restless. I get up every 2 or 3 hours and sit straight up. I decide to go to the bathroom and lie in bed for another 30 min, then fall asleep, and start is all over again.
I made it to day three. But I was right, it was the hardest night. I felt like I ate way too much last night, but I tried to listen to my body. It was hard because I didn't have very much for lunch so I was starving when I got home at four. I had some fake soup and pudding, napped, then ate dinner at 7, but I was starving again at 8:30. I knew I was going to binge if I didn't eat something else but I already felt like my dinner was over my allowed calorie limit. I ate fake potatoe flakes with water (90), and lots of mushrooms with ketchup (30?). But later I had some salad and jello. That seemed to satisfy me, but because I wasnt hungry I felt guilty. Blah. I can't win. By the time I went to bed though I was hungry again and was planning a binge for tomorrow. But like I've said a zillion times, sleep changes things.
But I'm scared of my weight. I weighed myself STILL without crapping and I was down half a lb. I don't know if I'll weigh myself tomorrow with all this food in me and feeling incredibly bloated. I went shopping today(or yesterday) and my old youth leader said to me "You look good. You look healthy." I didn't know how to take that. I said thanks and told her I felt good. Then she said she meant it, i really looked good. I told her "I hope that means I'm not getting fat." She laughed and said "I never want to hear you say that, i'm gaining weight for the both of us." But she's pregnant again. And I take "healthy" and "good" as gaining weight. I don't know. Maybe she just thought I was looking good because I was in a good mood. But Dean just gave me a similiar comment of saying I sounded happier or something of that sort.
It scares me to be getting better. I feel like I'm losing a part of me. It's easy to lose your self in tragedy. But at the same time I know you can't stay in this idea that your life is full of woe and get yourself wrapped up in that. There is more out there than that. But that's the thing, I'm so bored. Everyday is so boring now. I spend an incredible amount of time on the couch reading and eating pudding as slow as possible. I take 2 hour naps. I dyed my hair just to kill time.
I need to get a life. Mine is so dull without tradegy.
Am I out of the woods? Heck no. It can't be this easy. If I'm losing weight watch me disapear.