2005-01-04, 10:39 a.m.
Yesterday my dad and I got in a fight. Everytime my dad and I fight, I realize how much I dislike his personality and how mad I am at him deep down. But I always push those feelings aside and cling to him when he comes home and when he has days off. I try so hard to get his approval and his love, to make him laugh, to get a compliment, but all I get in return is a stone face.
The fight started over my brother. He was saying what a dope he is because he was going to Berekely for 4 1/2 years and still hasn't graduated and I was trying to defend him. I symathaize with my brother because I know how depressed he is and how much he must be struggling. My brother is incredibly smart. Near genius level and for him not to be passing his classes show there is a problem. I was arguing with my dad saying he needs help, to be encouraged, and to be asked what he plans to do. He just needs encouragment. My dad just brushed me off angrily saying he can't baby him, he screwed up, everyone has problems and he just needs to move on, and he threw a perfectly good opportunity out the window. I felt like he was slapping me in the face by saying I have problems and need to move on. The tears started to well in my eyes as we continued to argue. I started to talk about myself saying I felt like he was disapointed in me.
He paused for a very long time before he said he wasn't but he just wanted me to be a happy, productive individual in society. He's said that many times before and I asked him for specifics of what I was lacking because that's a very general statement. He brought up my medications and poor grades in junior college. He said the very fact I got poor grades shows there is a problem.
AHA! I thought in my head. I started slowly. "Well, I know you're just going to ignore everything I'm about to say but I just got on a new medication that I think is helping me. Several people [much needed extrageration] have said I've looked and sounded happier and better. And for the school I find it odd that you accept that my poor grades are a reflection of my problems, but you brush aside Eric's problems."
He said he knew Eric had problems. I told him he needs help. He said he can get it and I told him to encourage him. He shouted angerily at me.
He said when Eric is over 18 he's not his problem anymore. That hurt. Especially with my eating disorder thing. I cried and said "So when I'm 23 and have a problem you're just going to leave me out in the rain?"
I took a shower and cried. Later we bike rided to the peir for lunch and pretended nothing happened.
I had another depressing episode of eat and spew last night. I'm starting to give up. I can't pick up where I left off.
The more I fight with my dad, the more I see him stressed, and the more I think about things, I'm becoming more hopeless over a treatment center. I feel like it would be a slap in his face, a huge disapointment, and another anxiety on his plate.
Another stupid side of me is saying I'm not thin enough yet.
Yesterday after a frustrating shopping expierence (trying to buy supplies for craft stuff to keep me entertained and coming home empty handed), I stepped slowly out of my car, exhausted, weak, and angry. I paused thinking to myself, "I just should kill myself. It would solve my dad's problems, I wouldn't have to go back to school, get a job, be lonely, worry about food, how fat I am, and how I'm a huge failure." I pictured myself off the face of the earth and I was at peace for a moment.
My fish died last night. The one I bought at the beginning of trying to quit this. Everything is great.