2005-01-05, 10:34 p.m.
hi diary. Today I feel like a zombie. It feels like someone is stepping on my insides. From the moment I woke up, this day started out bad.
I was wrestling with the idea of bingeing and purging while pulling myself into the shower, showering, and getting dressed. I went from undecided, defiently going to binge, and defiently not all morning. It was very frustrating. I sat infront of the mirror about to do my makeup angry at myself for contemplating over something so trivial. Normal people don't spend their morning trying to figure out whether or not to eat and puke or starve all day. I should have a job or be going out with friends. Instead my day will revolve around food, one way or another, and I will sit at home alone.
I started to cry and stare at my reflection. I said outloud to my face, without makeup and wet hair "There is nothing good about you." Now I was sobbing angerily into my knees and digging my nails into my legs. All I could think about was how much I hated myself.
I punched the mirror. It wasn't good enough. I wanted something to be left behind on my hand. So I punched the mirror two more times, and stupidly said "ow ow" because my hand hurt pretty bad. I looked at my hand and it looked pink, but not good enough. So I kept punching till it throbbed. Then I turned off the music on my laptop, crawled into bed, and stared into space until my heart stopped pounding.
Since then, my hands haven't stopped shaking and I've felt a little distant.
I didn't keep anything down today. I meant to, but it didn't happen. I had a 50 cal tortilla with some veggies and salsa for lunch. Then I purged it. Later I bought some frozen yogurt that was very yummy and low cal, but I just got up and purged it. For dinner I had 100 cal worth of chilie, watered down, with a 45 cal white turkey hot dog.
Purged.
SF pudding and popcorn as a snack? Purged.
The only thing I kept down today was tea.
Yesterday I didn't purge though. I'm going to see my drug doctor tomorrow morning. Maybe he can give me something for my appetite.
I'm ready to give up. Maybe I'll spend tomorrow in bed.