2005-01-07, 8:42 a.m.
Memories are haunting me. I had a dream last night about my old theatre days. I use to do plays and the like. I woke up with a jolt and tried to recall if my dad ever encouraged me or congratulated me on openining night.
I couldn't even remember if he was ever there. No wonder I'm so withdrawn and insecure now. I never recieved praise for anything I did while growing up.
Yesterday I saw my drug doctor. He upped my meds. I was a total asshole to him and now I feel awful about it. We usually get along pretty good. But I just couldn't stop with the sarcasm once I started. A bit of me knew it was true: ranting on about how if I'm dying already then might as well keep on going to get that extra 10 lbs off. I even asked him if he can tell when I'm losing weight or not. Now I'm frightened horribly because he said sometimes I look sickly thin but right now I don't.
Later I took my friend out for a birthday lunch. When I came home, I went to put the leftovers in the fridge and my mom was freaking killing the microwave with her sponge. She said to me shortly "Don't turn the music off I don't want to hear those damn gays and the police radios babbling at me." I stood there, shocked for a second, standing inside the fridge with my leftovers. I put them away, turned to her, and said "You're insane."
The whole day she seemed worse then usual. I went outside to re-fill my dog's water dish and she was pointing and talking under her breath. Later she was going shopping and before she left she opened the sliding glass door and stepped outside and stood there for a few seconds, just looking.
My dad is expecting a package from his mom with some odds and ends and a check for 5000$ since she sold her house in Ohio (split amongst all her kids). He doesn't want my mom to see it because she opens his mail and packages so he asked me to watch the mail this week. I basically have to jump up for the mail because my mom runs for it everytime my dog barks (who has no life?). Yesterday I had to leave around mail time and I was almost going to have to lie about a package addressed to my dad and tell her not to open it. This decietfulness and lying angers me. I understand why he does it, but I just wish he would confront these issues. The other ironic thing is while she's pointing at that air, drowning out the voices in her head with music, and talking to no one, my dad just thinks she has "issues" and is "better then she use to be". Hah. Ya. Right.
My sister and my dad keep bugging me to get a job. The last two jobs I got (15 and 17) I quit in less then two weeks. Anxiety and boredom got to me. I don't want another job, especially if I am going into treatment soon. But I can't explain that to my sister, who keeps trying to hook me up with her sources. It's frustrating as hell. I know she means well, but the way she says it is accusing and makes me feel like a low life. I know I'm 18 and still don't have a job. Fuck You.
Things aren't good with me. I know it's hard to believe things could be not good with me when things are never good, but I feel like a zombie with my shaking hands and lifelike posistions on the couch. I feel like there is only one option out of all the messes I've created and have been created around me. I can count so many reasons why to die and only a few why to live. The scale is very unbalanced. As of late I keep wanting to hurt myself, drink, smoke, or something destructive. I hate myself so much and I don't deserve anything good. I want to self destruct in the worse way.
I guess it's only a matter of time