2005-01-07, 10:31 p.m.
This isn't working. Life is not working. Today was a long horrible day. I'm so beyond sick of horrible days.
I slept terribly, waking up every hour this morning till about 10:00. I went to bed at about 2:30, due to eating and puking. I'm really not doing good with this as of late. When I woke up, I started crying. Great way to start your day, huh? I felt numb, depleated, suicidal, infact. I took my shower very slowly, ready to break down at any moment. After I got dressed I thought I'd paint this wood craft project I've been meaning to do.
I just didn't think I had the energy. It was past noon, so I contemplated eating. Wasn't hungry.
I made tea and watched a movie. Then ate oatmeal. Threw it up. Slept for two hours. I ate some pudding and drank tea. Kept that down.
For dinner I made some tofu veggie stir fry. Threw it up. Watched two back to back ED lifetime movies. Ate some jello. Burned myself with a lighter. Didn't feel it. Lied on the couch and cried.
I just realized I didn't go outside once today. The only person I spoke to was my brother and we barely exchanged words.
I'm going to go mad with loneliness.
I'm amounting to nothing. I'm worth nothing. I'm so tired of my crazy mom. I'm tired of her screaming at my dad, myself, and my brother. I'm tired of the arguing. I'm tired of waking up in the morning. I'm tired of hoping Julio will help me and he just stares at me with no answers. I'm tired of disapointment, failure, not having talents, not being able to do anything right, not having friends, not being able to laugh at funny movies, being so cynical.
I'm tired of my dad not loving me. I'm tired of trying to make him love me.
I'm tired of despeartly reaching out to the people around me and getting shut down. I'm tired of being an embarresment. I'm tired of being afraid of food and so obsessed with it.
I need a plan. A way to die. A way to end this madness. This is fucking ridiculous. I can't prolong this any longer.