The loneliness kills
2005-01-13, 9:18 a.m.

I feel like such a miserable failure. It's been nearly three weeks since I've gone grocery shopping for binge food, and last night seemed like the most unlikely time I'd cave. All day I felt so, so weak. I didn't think I'd eat much, let alone binge, because purging would be such a task.
But around 4:30, sitting on the couch all day just got to me. I wanted pizza. I saw a commercial for cake and I needed cake. I thought I needed cake. My brother and dad would be home in an hour and I told myself that's not enough time. I tossed the idea back and fourth in my head. The idea to binge and purge was already in my head and I finally caved. I said to myself, "if I'm going to do this, I might as well do it right."
I jumped up, got shoes, got my purse, and drove to the store anxious. I got a liter of diet coke, a package of twinkies which I've never bought before, and bakery cookies. Then on to the pizza store. I got one of those little caesers 5 dollar pizzas. You'd think that'd be enough, but at home I was microwaving food like a maniac, like the old times. My dad and brother got home before the pancakes were done, but I told myself I could finish when they were out of the kitchen.
The purge was suprisingly easy. I guess because I haven't purged this much food in awhile, giving my body a break, it just went well. But I don't feel well. I feel horrible.
I came downstairs and my brother was watching a tape of Iron Chef to copy some recipes. It was around 9:30. I went into the kitchen to rehydrate and I noticed he hadn't touched his dinner. I asked him if he had ate and he said he didn't like the prepared dinner my dad made. I told him I had some pizza in the fridge, and offered him some. He said yes, please.
I was glad to hand over my binge food so I won't be tempted again today because it's there. However, I also worry about my brother. Sometimes he just won't eat if no one makes him food. I know I shouldn't baby him, but he's rail thin. Sometimes he'll come in and out of the kitchen snacking on chips, looking at soup cans, but it seems like he just doesn't have the will to make it. I feel like asking him if I can't make his meals. The odd thing is, he loves to cook. I don't know why he doesn't make his own meals.
The loneliness is destroying me. I can't handle another day sitting on the couch watching TV for hours, counting down the minutes till I can eat, then napping till dinner, watching a movie, then sleeping. Some days I don't talk to anyone. Yesterday I took my dog for a walk and felt so much better when I got home. The sunshine was great. And when I rented a movie at the video store, asking where specific videos where, and the little interaction put me on a little high. Then when I checked out the girl my age complimented my purse. When I got back into my car I was singing along with the radio.
That's how little I need right now.
I told Julio I'm suicidal and all he did was tell me not to hurt myself and how devestated people would be. Oh okay, I'll do that.
Today I woke up and called my friend's mom and asked her if she wanted to play scrabble. That's something, I guess. But my mind is elsewhere. My hands are shaking and my stomach turns and I wonder if I can make it to the shower without holding on to something. Can I fake a smile for her?