The ball is in my court
2005-01-26, 11:40 p.m.

As soon as I give Julio the 'okay', that I'm willing to go into IP, he will spring into action. He will call the place up and see if there is an available bed. Next, we will make an appt with my dad and get his insurance card and tell my dad what's up. I'm 18, but still need to clear this with him since I'm covered by his insurance.
After that, I drop out of school for a semester and get all fat and happy.
The only problem is, I'm having seconds thoughts. Majorly. I can't decide. I know I'm a wreck, I have to get better, and I can't keep living like this.
But I can't imagine going through with it. It seems like the most foreign concept. Something I've always pictured for myself in the future. Now it's so close.
I just put my head on the table and cried as Julio explained the procedure to me.
I tried to talk back to him but my words were muffled by the table.
I just feel like a failure. And in such a panic. This is so stupid. I'm sitting at home waiting for something. I know what to do but I can't make myself do it. I wish I would just die of this already.
It's all on me now and I wish it wasn't. At first I was getting agressive at Julio yelling things like "I don't know what do about this, you're the doctor! Find out if there is a bed." But he explained it changes all the time, and we'll have to wait till I'm sure I want to go and I'm ready to tell my dad.
I binged and purged tonight. I bought groceries without careing about the cost. I burnt myself with a lighter on my leg. I have two burns that look like the top of soda pop tabs.
I was ready to bitch to Julio about him making progress, and how I'm going to go to school and need to buy books and that costs money and I can't buy those books if I'm just going to drop out.
But this is all on me now. Everything is going to be my fault.
Funny, as I was leaving, a girl from the eating disorder meeting started to come in. We laughed and said hi. She told me which therapist she sees and I told her who I see. I knew immediatly which one she sees because I suspected the one she sees is an ED specialists. She's thin and pretty, and has a scale in her office. I just get a warning signal go off in my head. Plus, she always stares, says Hi Melissa, and smiles at me, like she knows something. (how does she know my name?!) One time I had to go in her office to weigh myself for Julio, and she said "Whatever it is, it can't be very much" That could come from anyone, but I don't know, I just suspected she specializes in that. I checked on the website for my therapist's office, and the girl's doctor from the meeting does specialize in ED's.
I wonder what things would be like if she was my therapist? Oh well. I do like Julio a lot. I just wonder sometimes.