2005-01-30, 1:33 a.m.
Okay, what am I kidding. I'm sick. Very sick. I know I need help.
I couldn't even go 3 days. I knew right away as I started to head towards the kitchen I was breaking my 3 day rule, but I said to myself, "fuck it. just because i'm b/p doesn't mean I'm going to inpatient. i decide when."
But that doesn't mean I don't know I'm really screwed up. Sitting on the bathroom floor I knew I was a mess with my shirt dotted with vomit, the red burns from a lighter, and old scars on my arm. I just can't go to IP right now. I keep running the pros and cons through my mind, but no matter how they balance out, IP isn't part of the equation right now. I know I'm being stupid, but I need to wait awhile. I feel like I can't physically force myself to go. I can't say yes to Julio. I wish I never brought it up. I guess I thought this little 3 day expierement would be a reason to force myself. But it won't work that way. I still have weight to lose, things to do, and a fight in my head.
School starts on Monday. I'm scared. I don't want to go. I'm in such a routine to sleep in till noon and watch movies all day in my pajamas. I'm not use to functioning. Functioning meaning doing my hair, working at my appearence, putting on jeans, walking around for more then an hour, and being around large groups of people. More importantly, I'll have to pay attention in class and do better then last semester. Somewhere in my back of my mind this semester seems unreal. Like I won't be there very long and I'm playing a game, putting up a facade till I drop out.
I can't sleep anymore. How will I go to morning classes when I fall asleep at 3 AM?
I don't think I'll go to church tomorrow morning. I've pretty much stopped going. I don't like the idea of fitting my fat thighs into pants instead of my sweats. I don't like the idea of waking up before noon. I think I'll wake up at noon and watch movies all day in my plug in blanket and sweats while eating sugar free pudding.
Sometimes I cry while I do that. Because I realize what a pathetic loser I've turned out to be. It's funny, I use to have friends. And you know, do stuff.