2005-02-24, 9:04 p.m.
Home is out of control. I'm getting to a breaking point with my house. I feel pathetic for not accepting I'll never have any type of a nuturing family, but I have anything but the norm. They're absolutely insane and hurtful.
My mom has been hard to deal with as of late. I usually ignore her, but something is getting to me. Last night my brother almost knocked over this ugly wall deco she put up, and she was yelling cruel names at him while telling him to fix it. I got angry at the names she was calling my brother, so I said "who cares (reffering to the deco) it's an ugly piece of shit, anyways." She said back to me, "You're a fucking ugly piece of shit." I got outraged. I said "How DARE you call me something like. You have no right. FUCK YOU." My dad told us to cut it out, and I blew up. I told him to DO SOMETHING ABOUT HER, tell her to stop calling me things like that. He told her in a very careless voice, and I screamed at him for not meaning it, and screamed at my mom "No wonder even your MOM HATES YOU!" I spent the evening crying in my bed, then took a bath. My mom has just been acting as her usual crazy self, and it hurts to see. It hurts sometimes more that my dad, who is the sane one, won't stick up for me. She is crazy, he isn't, so he should be doing something.
The more disturbing this is my dad makes morbid comments about my mom dying. Sure, I want my mom dead and would be better off, but they're so random. I was just sitting next to my dad today and he was waiting for my mom to get home with the groceries to start dinner and he said "Please god, let a metorite hit a 1992 green honda and take the life quickly and painlessly so we can move to oregon..or washington..or...montana..". This is not an unusual comment either. He's said stuff like "I hope her vitamins aren't poisioned." I don't know if I'm more disturbed by these comments or saddened that my family is so broken.
My brother just bought a car without telling my dad. He's 20, working, and living here, but he's not the wisest kid. It was at a car auction and is basically a piece of junk. Something like a 385 dollar piece of junk. 1986 mazda or something. My dad is not happy because it's a stick shift, not insured, and won't pass the smog test. My brother is being very prideful and won't talk to my dad about the details, but my brother will not be able to handle this mess. Now more fights are erupting. My mom is trying to get involved and giving my brother a hard time too. All these insults are flying.
Every night everyone is fighting, insults are directed at someone, and everyone is in a negative, bad mood. I hate this house.