2005-02-27, 5:46 p.m.
I am at Jen's place and am trying to type quietely because she's napping right next to the computer. She said I could use the computer or whatever I want, but I don't want to wake her. She sleeps on a foam mat with a blanket and 2 pillows. She is/was trying to buy a mattress, but doesn't have a lot of money. I am going to give my mattress to her, and use my brother's, since his is new and I am uncomfortable on mine.
Before I came on here I was lying down next to her, face to face. Her eyes were closed and I was just kind of examining, not in a creepy way as it sounds. It feels weird, me lying next to Jen, who is my new and pretty much only friend. It feels good, too. We went to a contemporary arts musuem today and she bought me a bracelet. I wasn't sure if I should go home or come over after, but she said "come over, hang out with me." I can't remember the last time I've felt wanted or anyone has said something like that. I pray this is real and means as much to her as it does to me.
I'm on day 27 of no b/p. I still weigh 80 and my diet is still pretty much consists of pudding, popcorn, and frozen yogurt. I'm hanging in there but some days I want to make it to 30 days and then purge because I miss the feeling and hate feeling satisfied or anything in me.
Things have calmed down at home, but I still feel uneasy about it all. It's like were always on the edge. If I were to tell my dad about my eating disorder, that'd be the last straw and he'd slit his wrists. I'm too late to add this on top of all the shit we have to deal with.
I'm going to stop typing. I don't want to wake Jen.