2005-03-05, 10:34 a.m.
"Loneliness. It's a thing, you know, not a feelng. A big, ugly thing that moves in and takes over until you forget how to live without it, but you can't live with it either."
I'm afraid I'm alone, once again. I think of another quote, a very famous one, "It is better to loved and lost than never loved at all." But fuck that quote, this sea-saw of emotions is wearing on me. However in my case, I'm thinking friendship. I'm worried Jen is done with me. In a matter of weeks, maybe I did something wrong to make her not like me anymore. I keep racking my brain for all possible causes. Did I call her too much? Did I extend too much care in the e-mails, therefore making her uncomfortable? Was I not decesive enough? Should I not have hugged her? I feel like she doesn't like me anymore, or atleast like she use to because all of a sudden she's different. She's not calling me to say she's thinking of me, asking me to hang out, signing her e-mails with "Love, Jen" just "Jen", and the rest of her emails don't have the same encouraging words. See, I may be blowing this way of proportion. Maybe she's busy, didn't realize she wasn't signing the emails with love, and the rest of her e-mails aren't mean, just sound like they could go to...anyone.
I sound like a freak. Like a stalker girlfriend. I shouldn't be so dependent on this ONE friend. I shouldn't of got so hyped up on her. She probably didn't even think of me as a friend, just a casual aquantance. That's why I started sobbing as I got out of the shower, because I totally blew it. I got all excited about this friend, and she just wanted to hang out a couple times. She's cool, I'm not. She doesn't like me, I want to be her best friend. I feel like the strongest man in the world picked me up, and threw me down into the ground as hard as possible.
Before my brother came home from school my dad and I were spending a lot of time together, especially when I had break from school. Now my brother and dad are linked, and I'm ignored. Literally. I'll talk, and it's like they can't even hear me. My dad was so pissed about my brother's car, but now it's become another way they spend time together and a way to occupy my dad's time. My dad was my only "friend" before Jen, and now I have nothing again. I go grocery shopping every Saturday morning with my dad, and this morning when I went downstairs ready to go, he told me we can't go till later this afternoon because he had to get my brother's car smog checked. I was so, so mad (and still am) because he promised never to help my brother with the car and he is doing everything, here was my time to get out of the house, and he blew me off.
Depression is awful. It's a bloody awful chemical and enviormental struggle and mental illness. I've had some awful bouts of depression before, and days where I wanted out so bad I'd take any prescription drug. But lonelines...it's the fucking worse feeling ever.
"Everybody knows that somethings wrong
But nobody knows whats going on
We all sing that same ol' song
It's shaping up to be a lonely day"