2005-03-09, 12:31 a.m.
Day 36. I would have got my 30 day chip at the meeting tonight, but they still didnt have the chip box. I got a "hug" for my 30 days instead. Oh well. It feels weird to be rewarded for working on my mistake in the first, anyway.
Food wise? I'm not so hot. I'm very tempted to just throw all my progress away. I have to remind myself, no Melissa, you can't order a pizza, buy a cake, and gorge on fettuchini alfredo. Just shut up and eat your frozen yogurt. Good Melissa. Roll Over. Play dead. The rate I'm going I won't have to play much longer. My weigh is getting a bit frightening and confusing. I don't think I'm eating differently, but last night I was having a struggle with the mirror. I went to brush my teeth, and when I lifted my arm to my mouth I was shocked to see how thin my arm was. It was like I saw it for the first time. I literally said "Oh!" outloud. I remember my arm having fat on the underside that always bothered me, so I went to pinch it. All I got was a small amount of skin, barely pinchable.
This morning when I undressed for my shower, it was clear I had lost weight. Usually I am unsure, or think I have gained so I don't want to weigh myself. I didn't want to weigh myself this morning because I was afraid of the number being on the lower side. I don't think I'm eating less, but my body says otherwise. The scale confirmed a pound weight drop, but I was confused how that could be so clear in my body. Maybe I just saw it clearly for the first time. I remember looking in the mirror, right after I undressed, and without really thinking about how stupid my thought sounds(if you follow?), I thought "I look like one of those textbook anorexics." No..no..I'm not really sick. Or eating disordered..or anything. I'm just not purging now.. and restricting. Dieting. Something that like.
Where is my limit? Will I keep steadily losing weight till I black out? Does anyone notice what's going on with me?
Does my dad notice? Why hasn't he said anything about the fact that I only eat popcorn, pudding, and frozen yogurt at home?
Why doesn't he care?
I finally heard from Jen. I got an email. She said she thought I was irritated with her. I guess we were both mixed up with eachothers signals. This Friday is her birthday. I got her neat gifts. These next two weeks are going to be so stressful with school.
I have two lives to live. The stress of regular life: school, socializing. And the stress of surviving my everyday problems no average 18 yr old faces: schizo mom, starving to death and functioning, depression, to eat or not to eat?, ect ect...
I need another melissa to live on of those. or 8 melissa's.
Bed Time. Julio tomorrow morning bright and early.