defeated and beat down
2005-03-12, 10:05 p.m.

I feel like I'm losing it. On the edge. Don't touch me, talk to loud, make any sudden movements, or I might jump. At the slightest pin drop I burst into tears. I'm having trouble identifying what is wrong. I've been feeling really depressed over this weekend.
This whole last week has been incredibly stressful. I feel like if I was walking on a wood bridge of school, it's breaking under me. I can't handle it. Every week of school i'm screwing up, weakening and making it worse, and breaking the bridge more. I'm behind two classes already, the class i'm retaking i'm doing poorly in, and my grade in math is on the brink. I feel like a wreck, and I feel like the biggest fucking loser, with no intelligence. I can't even make it through my first year of jr college. I'm a fucking moron. I just don't get it.
Someone will try to tell me I'm smart. I'm insightful. Blah blah. Well fuck them. I don't excell in anything. I can't draw, paint, sing, cook, or write well to the point that people notice or it takes me somewhere. I am a terrible driver, clumsy, can't speak coherantly, shy, afraid of public speaking, can't argue well even one on one, am messy, have a bad fashion sense, have bad habbits, am naturally addicted to anything i start, my vision is going, crave attention, care too much about what people think, my health is going, i'm pessimistic, and i have acne.
I can't think of one fucking thing I do well.
I thought I was something special to Jen. I really, really did. She made me feel special. She called me a lot, said she was having fun with me, and that I was easy to talk to. She laughed at what I said. I thought, wow! Maybe I do make good friend material, maybe i am funny. Maybe this will work. But now I see she was just being nice. At her birthday yesterday I saw what good friends she has. Friends that socialize more, have her good sense of humor as well, and make her happy. She doesn't need me, and would choose them over me in a heart beat. She's 28 for god's sake..she wants to go dance at bar's and shit. I'm underage.. She can't take me there. I'm shy and reserved and i'm too much of a pain. I get emotional. She likes to laugh. I am so stupid. I thought we would have heart to hearts and i'd be so important to her. She's not as lonely as me. She's getting better and feels great about herself. She said at the last meeting she feels so good about her body now, and has 28 days now, and can go out and do things. And life is good. She likes herself. She likes to go out.
She hardly calls anymore. Her life is good. Not with me. I guess I had this weird fantasy of her really needing me and me really needing her. But I think I got the wrong idea. I think it was more of a "look at that sad girl, i'll befriend her". and I clung on tight, which was unexpected. So she backed away. She leaves her numbers for all the newcomers at the meetings, and encourages them to make outreach calls. I think she likes to rescue them. I'm just one of her nutcases that didn't want to go away. I thought she wanted me to be her friend! I'm such a fucking d;fgjkd;fkgdfg. I want to shoot myself. I can't believe what I said in her birthday card.
My dad pretty much ignores me now, too. Even though my brother doesn't appreciate any of his gestures, he just likes him I guess because he's a guy, engineer science type, and they work on his car. Even though I listen and thank him for stuff, I don't matter.
I couldn't figure out for the longest time why I didn't have fun at Jen's last night. Her friend's were hilarious. Not like my old friend's who were uptight and bicker all the time. Her friend's were always laughing and relaxed. But I felt disconnected, like she was partying without me, and I didn't matter anymore. Everything they talked about was stories that included them. She didn't try to include me. They kept talking about going to a bar later that night. she was friendly to me, and sat next to me throughout the night, but i just felt off.
I don't think I'm going to call her for awhile.
Everything is bad and wrong. I left my room unlocked last night and my mom came in it and went through it and moved things around and did a bunch of junk. She moved some stuff she claims is mine from other rooms in here and made a mess. It must of took her a long time because it was way changed. There is no way my dad didn't see her. After being exhausted and sad about Jen's party, this was not what I wanted to come home to. I changed things back and threw everything else out into the hall. I was so, so mad and upset and sad. I wanted to yell at both of my parents: at my mom for coming in and at my dad for not doing anything but it's so so useless. My mom will never change and my dad will never say anything. He may say something to my mom but it's said in such an unconvincing voice she doesn't listen. I may yell at my mom but she doesn't listen to anyone but my dad.
I feel defeated. I feel so worn out. I want to sleep for days and days but I have the demands of school I should've taken care of days ago.
Dropping out and running away seems like a considerable option right now.