2005-03-15, 10:11 a.m.
This morning I woke up at 6 A.M. in a cold sweat. I've been having night sweats for the last few days so I wasn't suprised by this, just irritated. Like routine, got up, changed pajamas, threw my old pajamas into dirty clothes hamper, and got back into bed. I have been on the edge these last two weeks and I feel like if you were to graph my emotions, the curve would be going down into deep depression. This morning, just lying there still feeling sticky, all I had to think about was how shitty things have been. Tears came easily and my thoughts recollected these last few days. I just keep breaking down and sobbing at the most random moments. Everything has become too much.
Despite all of this, Saturday night was what pushed me to E-mail Julio and ask for an appt this week. I'm usually so ashamed and embarresed and afraid to do something like that, even in my worse moments, but I couldn't shake the need to.
I still can't coherantly put what happened together in "story" form, but I'll try. When I was trying to fall asleep, I heard what would be my thoughts, but someone else I recognized. This person is very loud, obnoxious, and outgoing. She was talking to someone else in my head and it was loud...louder then my thoughts. The other person's voice wasn't loud or recognizable. It was irritating. I couldn't sleep because of it. Everytime I opened my eyes, it stopped. If I shut them, it immediatly started up again. My mother, who is very schizophrenic, does this thing where she coughs fakely and loud a lot. I've always wondered if she's trying to block something out. I wonder this because one time I came home from school with the music blaring and she said "Don't turn it off, I don't want to hear the gays and police radio babbling" Which is obviously the voices in her head. So anyway, while I'm lying there trying to make the loud voice stop, so I could fall asleep, I didn't even think when I coughed/cleared my throat over her voice in my head. It all went silent. Till I broke down crying recognizing the similarity between my mom and I.
After lying awake for many minutes, I considered e-mailing Julio right that night, but decided to wait till the next day. I've done stupid things out of emotion. The next morning, I still felt as horrible emotionally about it all. I still do feel so worried. Julio wrote back Monday morning saying he'd get me in. He said he or two of the other staff would call me. I haven't got a call.
I don't know what I expect from him. I'd feel ridiculous if that was nothing but at the same time I feel like I can't go through this week without some kind of support. I'm an emotional time bomb. Loud noises make me jump. My thoughts are driving me insane and I might rip my hair out. I hung out with Jen yesterday but I left feeling sad and thinking she didn't want to be with me. I feel like the most awful, horrible, bitter person ever. In english yesterday, everytime I talked in our group discussion I felt like people were laughing at me or were irritated at me. I felt like a nuisance at the frozen yogurt shop for requesting 3 flavors on my single cup.
I cry everytime I leave those places because of the guilt of existance. I hide in my room because i don't want my dad to talk to me. I also don't leave my room because I'm afraid of getting in a fight with my mom and I can't handle the pain. My phone is broken and I refused to let my parents buy me a new one. I hate the sound of a ringing phone.
I have full out conversations in my head with me and anyone in my life, making up their responses.