2005-03-17, 1:55 a.m.
This morning I got a call offering me a 5:00 appt with Julio. Even being half awake at 7:00 AM, I agreed. It took me a bit to fall asleep after the call because I was so scared for the appointment. The rest of the day went as normal, as in feeling extremely depressed, but when getting ready to go and driving over, I couldn't stop shaking. My foot on my drive and break pedals shook. I felt my legs shake, my torso, all the way up to my shoulders, arms, and hands. I couldn't figure out why I was so scared. I requested this appointment.
When I was sitting in the waiting room, I sat crossed legged, and biting my thumb nail. After a few minutes of waiting, I looked down at my hand where I was biting on my thumb and my hand was shaking vigoursly. I tried to steady it but it wouldn't stop. Julio then came and had me come in to his office.
He asked me how I was. Right away I choked up and tried to form some kind of answer but my tears overwhelmed me and I couldn't get anything out. Finally, after he pushed the kleenex box to me, I barely managed "not good". He looked at me concerned and said "what happened? what's wrong?" I said "everything. i don't know if i should start with why i emailed you or everything else. everything is wrong." I explained to him, very slowly, hesistantly, the whole ordeal with the voices and trying to fall asleep. We tried to break apart why it upset me so much this time and not any other times. He thinks I was just freaking myself out. I'm not sure yet, but unless any other incidents happen, I hope he's right. He gave me a relaxation CD to use before bed.
I also told him about how I keep crying, and all the other stuff going on. My grades, my paranoia of people hating me, how much I feel like a terrible person, my deep anger towards everything. Mostly just the examples of how miserable I am. How last night I took my blanket outside and sat down in my backyard on the concrete and cried. I feel like such a failure. We got in kind of a sarcastic argument about me being smart. He says I am smart and I say, ya, I'm a really smart girl. I'm behind in junior college, my grades blow, I spend my days eating frozen yogurt and playing scrabble. I can't hold up a job. Sounds like a really smart girl. I can't find one thing I can excell in. He said sounds like I'm angry at myself. We talked about how I beat up on myself and I said it doesn't matter, there is nothing to save anymore. I'm going down the tubes and I'll never be worth anything. I felt very hopeless during our talk. I was very sarcastic, straight foward, and out in the open. I told him everything about feeling worthless and wanting to die and how I think mean thoughts about people and hope they get hit by cars and how I want to drop out of school or hope my mom dies on the way home from work. I told him how I wake up and cry nearly everyday. And I don't know why, but I can think of a zillion reasons to keep crying.
He told me I shouldn't worry about how far behind I am in school, take on class if that's what I can handle, as long as I am doing other things like going to meetings and "getting baskets" for my friend's. I can't do that, though, I'd feel like such a failure.
I left, not shaking and not crying. Kind of numb-floaty feeling. The closer I got to my car the more I realized I didn't feel any better. When I got into my car, the fact I didn't feel any better set the water works off. I cried and sobbed into my steering wheel and driver door for an embarresingly long time. I kept trying to get a grip but it felt so horrible to know that I didn't know what else to do with my emotions and my shitty life. I cried out for help, and immediatly after I was a wreck. I feel like I am on the edge. I sat there thinking, is this it, do i commit suicide now? Like that's the formula. I was afraid someone would walk out of the building because it was late, and maybe I was his last patient, so I drove home in a numb haze.
I see him again next week. I am out of words. Out of ideas. Out of cries for help. Out of "Here Is My Life My Problems Whats Going on Help Me Please". I keep thinking i'd be out of tears but those keep on coming. I don't know what is wrong with me and why I am so sad and angry and scared.