2005-03-19, 4:59 p.m.
I was considering something as I was mauling at my zits, scabs, and pretty much my whole face in the bathroom mirror last night.
There are generally a few paths those like me who flunk out of life can decide to take. That is when they take that turning point of deciding to "start living or start dying." I broke it down in two paths for living and dying.
When living, you can turn things around big time. You spend the majority of your life getting over your depression, eating disorder, or whatever. But in the end you write some great book about how new you are. You get these 15 minutes of fame and you are idolized. You struggle HARD to get there. It is hard work, but you get out. You push back any doubts you have about this. Your meaning in life is fixing what you fucked up in the first time: book signings, pondering your next book, interviews, being the poster child of recovery. Good thing you got sick. However, you've had health complications due to your eating disorder, you eventually die to health complications due to it.
Or you could be an average joe of The Right Path of Living. you go to meetings, make friends, Smile Be Happy Everything Is Good and Plastic. Like the above, you push away any doubts. You recite all the meeting phrases like one day at a time, keep coming back, fake it till you make it, God is in control. You tell everyone else that "my disease is telling me i feel ugly today". Your disease gets a body form. You go to meetings as often as you shower. Your friends are everyone from OA, AA, SLA, NA, name it has an A after it. Life is good? However, you've had health complications due to your eating disorder, you eventually die to health complications due to it.
Then there is start dying. You struggle. All your life. You teeter totter with recovery, relapse, or just say it fuck it this is stupid I can't do this. Your whole life is misery and depression and ups and downs and why can't I get a grip it's just food and my body. Therapists give up or shake their head or feel bad or get angry. You've been there you've done that. You try to get better, but you've had your eating disorder for so long you're just not well physically. Then you eventually die due to complications of your eating disorder.
Then there's give in to the inevitable. Speed up the process. You know there's either a fight to get to the top, a fight for happiness or survival, or just a fight to survive. You say fuck it, I'm commiting suicide before I have to deal with pointless shit.
^ That seems like a smart way out. In the end, all the scenarios you battle for ages and your life is miserable and pointless.
BUT there is always the question..what if life turns around and becomes worth living? What if I become happy?
So I've come up with an idea, a pact, a pledge, whatever you want to call it. 2 years. I'm giving myself or my life 2 years to turn around. Then it's fuck it goodbye this has gone on long enough. I keep reading back on old diaries (paper diaries) and i sound exactly the same, same ol situations, same ol depression. Nothing is changing. Here are my guidelines:
-Be dating or have been dating someone(s)
-Make a friend
-Noticable improvement in school
-Steps towards recovery (I.E. sponsor, going to meetings, posistive thoughts)
That's it. 4 things. It'd be annoying to post that on every single post, so i'm making a reminder note on my cell phone to ring at the end of each month. I'll post a little update thing at the end of each month. I turn 19 April 22, so April 22 2007, when I'm 21 is my cut off date.
I've spoken quite openly how I don't resist dying, and how I don't want to live, and find no purpose. But if I find meaning and happiness, then I guess that would change things.
47 days binge/purge free
26 Months to go.