2005-04-27, 4:56 p.m.
I can see now how suicidal people can be so on the edge, and so caught up in despair, calling out for help is not an option in their mind.
I feel so low.
Four hours ago, I contemplated over dosing. I cried and cried and pulled my bedroom pillow over my head trying to drown out the outside pain. It feels like so long ago but I remember imagining my bathroom cabinent and it's contents. I was just trying to remember if I had more than one bottle of pain killers, and if I could combine that with enough prescription drugs if that would do the trick. I pictured myself downing that Big Gulp on my bed side. I sobbed because I feel like I've totally ran out of options.
I wanted to call Julio at the office and ask him to get me in today but I guess I was afraid of rejection or being embarresed or him not understanding. I was afraid if I told him I was going to over dose he would just call 911. I could not think of a single other person to talk to that sounded appealing or that might be able to help me. I prayed out loud to God to help me, to have Julio's office call me. I felt like I jinxed it because if I asked for it, it wouldn't come true.
All I could think of to do was go to sleep. Though I have a paper to do, that was due on Monday, I took my bra off and changed my shirt and curled into a little ball. Then I cried until I fell asleep and woke up 4 hours later. Now here I am and I can't describe my blank numbess.
I've been depressed since fourth grade but I've never attempted suicide. I've always told myself if you're going to do it, do it right. Now I can see how people can fuck it up because they do it on a whim with the desparate attempt to just die. This is probably the closest I've come to seriously considering to attempting suicide on the spot. I just feel sad and empty still.
I haven't done anything but lay in bed all day. I'm going to go back to sleep.