2005-04-23, 4:24 p.m.
For my birthday yesterday my dad and I went to a huge used book store. I got three books. I choose not to mention the titles because no matter what they are someone won't like them.
I have a problem with wanting to be liked. After that my dad and I went to a vegan restaurant of my choice, then to Urban Outfitters. I begged my dad to buy me a 48 dollar jacket, but he said no. We went back today and I bought it with my gift card he got me for my birthday. There was also a 1 dollar sale going on at the Buffalo Exchange, and I got a couple items there, and a jacket not on sale inside.
Anyway, back to my birthday. After lunch, we went to the Beautiful Losers' musuem that was touring at the Orange County Musuem of Arts. It was my second time there, and it was awesome except for a few things not working because of the rain. I came home and napped, then got frozen yogurt. It was a very full day. I didn't feel sad, which is a suprise. I just felt tired, which is frustrating. I've been feeling so exhausted lately. I take naps everyday, for more than an hour. I usually have to force myself to get up after a couple hours, even though I want to sleep more.
Sometimes I worry about myself. I think back to all the years where everyday I was puking and not eating and how under nourished I am...and how badly I eat and I think "no wonder you can't stay awake and your whole body and joints ache". Other times I play dumb and think "me oh my what's wrong with me?"
Tonight I'm going to dinner with a few close friends for my birthday. I'm not really in the mood to be happy and conversational and eat infront of people, but this has been planned for awhile. I'm trying to muster up happiness, and tell myself I can get dressed up, but I don't want to put on a show. I don't want to get dressed up at all. I want to lay in bed because i feel fat because I can't stop eating Mike n Ikes and I can't get off this weight.
I also can't stop thinking about my breakdown in Julios office where all I could see was the inside of the tissue and the light of his office blaring through the microscoptic holes of the tissue. All I could hear was the ringing of my ears, my sobs, and then I finally said "I am not happy" then "I can't picture myself living till the future"
There is a blank canvas where I am suppose to be an adult and get a job and graduate. I don't plan for the future because someway or another, I expect not to be in it. I can't make it. I don't want to make it.
When I was going to go to a treatment center, I was so physically wiped, underweight, tired, I thought I was either going to die from this or going to commit suicide. I picked classes for next semester really not planning to have to attend them. I thought I was just going to treatment, and I picked those classes just to make a show for my dad.
Now I feel like I'm going to school, doing homework, and living each day as a show for the world. But I'm only going to take this show so far. I sure as hell won't get a job because that's too much work, and it's pointless, if I never plan to take that any step further. I guess hardly try at my life because I don't plan to be here for the future. I can't see myself suceeding and being there for it.
I don't know if that makes sense.
I don't know what other people see when they try to look a few years ahead, but I see a broken tv: that black and white snow.