2005-04-21, 9:13 a.m.
I feel so heavy hearted this morning. Everything in me feels drained and depleated. I wonder to myself "Why do I feel like such trash?"
My pajamas are damp with my sweat, and there is another pair of pajamas on the floor soaked with sweat on the floor of my bedroom. I had two bad night sweats last night. I want to shower right now so I can peel these pajamas off me and be clean again, but first I feel the need to write.
This week I dropped my math class. It almost felt like a very unplanned decision, but also something I was mulling over a long time. I had a test on Tuesday and went to school planning to take that Math test. I even went as far as printing out the practice test, attempting it, and having my dad correct it. I sat in my class before Math and studied. When I realized I was going fail another test, and I was so drained, instead of going to Math I went home. I called the appropriate number and dropped the class.
Yesterday I saw Julio. I completely and totally lost it when he brought up my birthday. He said 17 wasn't good, 18 was better, and hopefully 19 will be good. He kept emphasizing how he hopes 19 will be good. All I could think about how this year how has been horrible, and I don't want to turn 19 because I don't want to live another year.
I started crying. He asked me "what? Talk to me? say it in words." I started bawling so hard into the tissues. I usually only cry like this at home. The only words I could form to him were "I'm not happy".
Tomorrow I turn 19.