2005-04-16, 9:11 a.m.
I haven't been keeping track of purge free days, but it's been a bit since the last time. Nothing great, but maybe 4 or 5 days. That is a long time compared to before when I was going only 2 or 3 days. If I don't get out of the house tonight I think I might fuck up.
I've been extremely depressed lately. My dad and I got in a huge fight on Wednesday night. I guess Julio would be proud because I finally told him how I FEEL but it didn't FEEL good. The fight started over our broken internet connections, but somehow spiraled to my mom. I swear it's always about my mom.
At any rate, I told him(more like yelled and screamed through psycho tears) that I've never had a mother or father, they never raised me, and I don't know how to be an adult. Therefore, stop expecting so much out of me. I'm emotionally unstable so I can't hold a job and get the money I need to move out so if he wants to pay for it great, otherwise, shut the fuck up. I told him to stop saying just because I moved from the magic number of 17 to 18 he has no responsibility for me. I'm still his child, act like my father, and take that responsibility on forever and ever amen. I told him don't have me if you're not going to raise me, sorry I was born, but that's your problem and DEAL.
He tried to argue that my sister got along just fine, she's doing emotionally fine and has a job and moved out and blah blah. I said I'm not her, people aren't robots and don't pop out the same, and SHE WAS NEVER HOME. He said 'bullshit'. I slammed my hand on both of our bedroom doors and said 'Our rooms are next to eachother! I heard her come home at midnight everynight! She just came home to sleep!'
He also said something about paying my psychiatrist bills, and I said 'So?'. He had no response. I told him I want him to defend me when my mom calls me names. He said he does and I railed on him on about unethusiastic his defenses are because for some reason "stupid, worthless, piece of shit" are all I know and all he does it SIT THERE when she tells me that. I was very honest about how I felt. He didn't tell me I wasn't any of those things, which hurts.
I'm thinking about asking Julio what he thinks about having a session with the three of us. Maybe Julio can talk to him, because I know Julio agrees with me 100%. Julio doesn't think much of my father, from what I gather at our own sessions. It'd be funny to see how he acts infront of an authorative posistion.
I've been going back to church. It's odd, because Its like I've created a whole new idenity for myself in the college group. NO one knows me there except for one old college aged youth leader. I've left behind the spastic out going Melissa, and now I'm the shy, reserved, vulnerable Meissa. The group is small, and everyone is very nice. The college group leader is new so he has no idea who I am, nor does anyone else. It's so weird because I'm so shy, come late a lot, and miss once in awhile, I get this vibe that people are reaching out to me. I'm so hungry for that attention. It's pretty sick. Last week I came late and the college group leader announced my presence like "MELISSA MADE IT!" and I kind of bowed my head and smiled and walked in kind of quickly. He said "I saved you a seat!" then he brushed off the seat next to him. It made me so happy to feel wanted. But I'm afraid if I start to respond to this outreach, they'll stop reaching out to me. But then I'm afraid if I don't, the'll stop reaching out. Gah. It's lame. But I did call the college group leader's wife to go to frozen yogurt with me because she shares the love with me and I wanted company. I'm so, so afraid of being to clicky, or crossing boundries. or I don't know. Seeming to needy or responding to the outreach to fast? I don't know how to do this. I feel like I should've never gone at all but the college group guy keep PRESSURING ME over and over.
Anyway, I need to shower to go grocery shopping with my dad.