2005-05-21, 10:51 p.m.
my dad knows.
we got in a fight today, as we have everyday since ive left home, and he finally straight out told me he knows.
he said: "you're not fooling anyone. don't you think i know you've been bingeing and purging? i see you eat tons and tons of food and hear you do throw it up. i hear the toilet flush repeatidly. you're literally flushing loads of money down the comode. do you think you're fooling anyone? you're eating all this food and not gaining an ounce. you have a bingeing and a puring problem". All I could say over and over was "your full of shit, your full of shit". I didn't make any exusces, because I didn't have any, I was completely lying, and I didn't want the conversation to carry on anymore. So I just said "I have to go." And I hung up the phone.
I'm still not home yet. This is my 5th night away from home and things aren't better. If anything, their worse. I'm spending most of my nights sobbing. It's like spending my time away from home is causing me to realize how fucked up things are. And I feel so misplaced. I got this strong feeling tonight that I'm not wanted here. Because Edie had to go outside to talk to her boyfriend tonight I just had this breakdown. I'm not wanted, in the way, a piece of shit. Plus, tonightt I went home to binge and purge while my parents were at the movies. I'm an awful awful ugly piece of shit. I can't continue to do and hide this. I'm running out of options. Things are falling to pieces. I need a plan of action. I need to choose to live or die. I want to die. I don't want to get help. I want to kill myself. I can't live in my body anymore.
I feel completely and utterly alone. I don't have a home or anywhere to go. I dont feel wanted anywhere. I feel in the way. This anxiety, sadness, fear, and hopelessness is overwhelming and eating me alive. It makes me want to run again. It makes me want to get out of this house and find another place to crash. I can't keep running everytime something is wrong.
For the first time ever, I really really don't have a fucking clue what to do or how to cope. My eating disorder is being taken away from me or is being limited, and my comfort areas are no longer comfortable. I can't use food or isolation as a coping mechanism. I'm just full of anxiety that I can't make go away. I can't calm down and tell myself things are going to be okay because they won't. I have no bloody idea how to fix this or even how to temporarily make it ok. I don't even have someone to talk to. Real life or online. I don't even have sleeping pills to help me sleep because they're at home.
I'm going to go listen to bright eyes and cry. this is pathetic.