2005-05-24, 10:19 a.m.
I keep having these mental breakdowns. two nights ago it was over feeling like i didn't belong anywhere. my parents don't want me, and the current family i'm staying with seems indifferent. sometimes i take there indifference as irritation with me. the other night Edie, the mom of the house, was talking to her boyfriend who lives two states away on her cellphone while i was in the same room. she was not chatty as usual and finally got up and went outside in the backyard. it offended me, as it probably shouldn't of, because everyone needs their privacy. i guess i just felt in the way. again. i went upstairs at 9:00 PM and turned the lights off in "my" room and cried. i have no where to go and don't belong anywhere.
the college guy of the church's wife has been making me feel equally like a burdan. i recently found out she has a past with bulimia and she was very supportive of me. she showed lots of concern and wanted to help and talk. then when i started to reach out to her in return she seemed too busy for me. The busier she gets, the more I pull away. Then when she does make time, I play stupid games and seem indifferent about seeing her, though I really really really want to talk and see her. It's stupid. I'm only hurting myself.
I'm continuning to binge and purge like mad at my new "home". Change of scenery doesn't do anything. I'm just being sneakier and odder about it. Binged before youngest daughter got home from school yesterday, went home to purge.
I'm talking to my dad a little. Yesterday he told me he told my mom if she didn't get help he would divorce her because he's tired of living with a crazy person. I told him he's full of shit and I know he's completely bluffing. He said he's noticed she's getting worse lately, like talking to the walls. I told him she's been that worse for ages.
I don't know what to do.