2005-06-05, 2:43 a.m.
i have a secret. i can't talk to anyone about it and it's eating away at me. Even if I could, I don't think anyone would understand. maybe it's better this way.
I'm going to try to explain how I feel, the best i can, but leave out any details.
I'm afraid I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I've lost everyone close to me, one after the other, over this last year. I have also failed to make a single friend, or have a single boyfriend. I can't help to wonder: what's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Am I annoying? Too clingy? Too ugly? All the relationships that have failed are really a mystery to me. I wonder if I scared them off with being over bearing. I feel like I was so nice. I feel unappreciated. I wish I had a friend that did something special for me or showed they cared. But I feel cheap and used. A lifelesss rag doll.
I feel scarred. After being broken again, I don't know if I can give another relationship a chance. I look at couples and I wonder how they can co-exist in such two opposite worlds. One world is a slight step up from friendship: holding hands, giddy, friendly. The other is behind closed doors, intimate, and something people call "love". How can they face eachother after they've crossed such an intimate barrier. How does love and intimacy co-exist? I honestly don't understand. It seems like it would destroy everything. I wouldn't mind skipping it all.
I'm not normal.
Guys aren't going to line up for me. Who wants to take out the girl who won't have sex, won't eat, and may break down sobbing at the drop of a hat?
That's what I thought. Atleat your bill will be cheap. Until you leave me alone in your apartment...then I'll eat and barf your left overs.
I'm 19, but I feel like I've liven 3 life times. There is no way to know that my life is curable. Not all illnesses, and certainly not mental illnesses are curable. This could very well be fatal for me. I really wouldn't care. I have no future. I will never do anything worth remembering. I am the epitomy of shit.
my dad said home is a lot more peaceful and quiet since i left. i told him "god, thanks. i'm glad you got rid of the REAL problem [/sarcasm]" he didn't pick up on my sarcasm.
bed time.