greg and loneliness
2005-05-29, 12:01 p.m.

I am still not home. I think it has been two weeks? I don't know.
Christie's mom, Edie, the one I am staying with, is out of town. She's coming home today/tonight I believe. While she was gone her oldest son had friends over. They were drinking and his girlfriend(or i don't know if they're dating...known eachother since middle school...he's 25....on and off girlfriend) had been sleeping over.
Anyway, it was like 1AM and the oldest son, Greg's friends were out in the backyard drinking. I was watching TV waiting for my laundry to finish so I can put in another load. Greg's kind-of-girlfriend was getting ready for bed. I've known Greg as long as I've known the family - for like, 6 years. We've had a very brotherly, teasing relationship. Greg was sitting on the couch, probably drunk or buzzed, next to me. He said "I'm going to sleep on you", and put his head into my lap. Taryn looked kind of annoyed. Over the past 20 min, she tried to make him come to bed with him, and for the next 30 min, Greg got more comfy in my lap. At one point, he took his hand and wrapped it around my leg. Since he's 25 and much bigger than I, his hand was practically craddling my lower leg. I was bra-less, and my boob was like, resting on his shoulder. To get comfortable, I had my arm across his upper body.
I wanted to kiss him. I haven't been this close to anyone in ages. I haven't had anyone hold me in ages. I haven't had body on body contact in ages. I felt like if he asked me to have sex with him I would say yes just so he would keep holding me leg. I felt so sad and so elated just to have someone so close to me for so long. Loneliness was so overwhelming because i knew he wouldn't be there forever. Everytime Taryn said angerily "are you going to sleep on the couch? come to bed." i wanted to slap her.
That night, I touched myself, curled into the fetal posistion, and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed till I couldn't breath. It wasn't just about Greg, it was about my whole life. everything is wrong and i don't see a way out. I didn't sleep for hours that night, and when I woke up I felt like someone hit me with a large brick. Greg and Taryn were gone the next morning. The house felt so, so empty.