2005-06-15, 1:34 a.m.
It's 1:30 AM and 5 minutes ago I was fervently applying acne cream like it was the most important thing I've ever done. Why was I obessing so much? If I didn't cover every inch of my face, would I somehow breakout? Even if I do get a zit, I logically know it is not the end of the world. I mean, I know I have worse things to worry about right now. However, I could not calm my anxiety about how the tube of acne cream was almost empty and I was afraid I would miss an important spot. Now I'm scratching white flakes out of my hair line because my face is so dry and I put too much clearisil on.
My puking is out of control. Even at my lowest points of bulimia I had some structure and rules: one large binge and purge a day, no eating before noon, restrict during day, blah blah blah. But now I'm not keeping anything down. I wake up and binge and purge. Feel like eating again at 1? Okay, eat and puke. Then around 11 I'm hungry again, so I have a moonlight binge and purge. Everything is fucked up and thrown off. This morning I woke up wanting to binge and purge, which isn't normal. I usually wake up with false aspirations of "Okay, be good today! no eating!" but I was immediatly hungry and ready to fuck it up...and didn't even care to fight it. I just ate some random food at 9:00 AM and showered after my purge. What a way to start my day.
After that, I was too tired to try to continue on my project of my cleaning my room. My dad wanted to meet for lunch, though, so I waited till that. I planned not to eat at the chinese restaurant, and I thought it wouldn't be a problem since I wasn't hungry from just making myself sick but the smell of food always throws me off. I ordered vegetables and shrimp. With it they give me an egg roll, rice, and 2 fried cream cheese things. Bah. The vegetables were in some weird sauce that scared me. I decided it couldn't be too many calories and ate some rice and veggies. Though I didn't touch the egg roll or fried cheese thingies, my plate looked scarily empty. That made me eat faster and then I wanted to puke. While waiting for our bill I ate the inside of the egg roll, then ate the two fried cream cheese things. Finally I gave up and ate the outside of the egg roll, dipping it in some weird red sauce. I knew I was eating way too many calories but it didn't matter at this point. I tried to look casual but I was afraid my dad was getting suspicious of my sudden eating attack. I told my dad to "watch my stuff" and strolled to the bathroom. There was one stall in the dirty bathroom. I tried not to mess my makeup or hair because I didn't bring my purse. I told myself I didn't have to purge everything because I was planning to keep some of it down, but I kept purging till I felt okay. Back at the bathroom sink I smirked at the fact that I looked untouched. I washed my hands, rinsed my mouth, and returned back to the table in record time. Our plates were cleared and were replaced with a small dish of icecream and a fortune cookie. gag. more food. I opened my fortune cookie and pushed aside the icecream and cracked cookie. My cookie told me to be assertive and I will "win". I threw the paper into my melting icecream.
At 9:00 I watched house, and at 10:00 I made pancakes and speghatti O's. I didn't even feel like bingeing. Stupid. Stupid. After I was all cleaned up and purged, I was walking to the kitchen to put away my dishes and caught a glimpse of myself (okay, I checked myself out) in the large full length mirror next to the kitchen entry. I seriously look like shit. my pajama top hangs at the collar, all lopsided because it's too big in a non flattering way..my thighs make me go "hm". I've always hated my thighs. Always always. For two seconds I see my thighs in an outside perspective and get an uneasy feeling. I always have told Julio I can't stand my thighs and I wonder if he thinks I'm nuts if he sees them like I saw them for a half second. Then my vision shifts and I see them widen. I get confused. I can't imagine them any bigger but for a split second my head looked way too big for my body. It's like my body parts are all fucked up in the sense that they are not proportional. My top half is small and my lower is in this V. I dunno. Then I keep having those moments where I'm like 'for god's sake melissa, who cares? just eat right. it's just your fucking weight. get over it'
I don't know if I made the right decision coming home. My mom is already driving me nuts and I don't know if I can hold up my side of the bargain of cooperating. There is just too much anger and I want to tell her she's fucking nuts and she's being stupid.
I haven't been sleeping lately. I go to bed pass midnight and wake up at like, 7 or 8. It's frustrating. I want to sleep lots like I use to. But I only get 6 hours of sleep or less. Tomorrow I see Julio. I have an appt at 11:30. I have loads to tell him. I'm going to go to sleep.