I don't know but I do know
2005-06-20, 2:17 a.m.

I meant to update last Wednesday when I had my appointment with Julio, but I don't know. All this shit kept going down. Tonight isn't any better but I can't put off writing anymore.
Wednesday, as mentioned, I saw Julio. I filled him in on all the shit that has been going on. stuff like leaving Edie's because her getting upset about at me and then talking behind my back, how I left without telling her, sleeping in my car, going to my sister's, visiting my friend in the hospital, and then going home. I wanted to tell Julio that when I was strung between leaving Edie's and going to my sister's, I called his office seeing when he was getting back from vacation because I was so hysterical. I didn't, though. I don't know why I get afraid of telling him those things. There are times when I get so desperate inbetween appts I get very close to calling him, and I wonder when I do see him if I should tell him about those moments. I'm guessing I should but I don't know how or what he'll say.
Anway, he confronted and I admitted that my eating disorder is out of control again. He suggested inpatient, once again. He said that this would be a good time because it's summer and I'm not doing anything. I really, really tried to convince myself to agree to it. I sat there a long time arguing with myself in my head and some out loud with Julio. Julio even said, to try to push me I think, "so we'll bring your father in?" Then I just flat out "NO!" Since then I can't stop thinking about how I've reached a point where there is no denying what I need to do..I just can't bring myself to think about it. Inpatient is just not something i can wrap my mind around. Even typing the option makes the tears form underneath my eyes, my eyes swell, and my throat ache. It's admitting that I've royally fucked up. I hate my eating disorder so much and what it does to me, how it consumes me, and how it reflects me. I just can't admit defeat. It's completely insane because I know i'm defeated, drained, and have given up hope but there's a small part of me that is still screaming "NO WAY THIS ISN'T HAPPENING"
Julio has a sign on his office wall that reads "I don't know" then it has a read circle with a line through it. But i keep saying out loud, to him, to no one really "I don't know". I just don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want to do. Everytime I say "I don't know" in exasperation in Julio's office he points to that stupid sign but I'm completely honest. I've been kind of thinking of persuing day treatment...like a half day program.
These last few days have gone by in a blur. I remember when I went 40+ days without purging. Even after I started purging again after that, I didn't think about doing it nearly as much. I'd go the day without thinking about it as an option. Now i'm back to thinking about it all day. My face is all torn up with gashes. My arm has sores all over it. I can't stop freaking out over killing bugs and worrying about dust. I feel like i'm losing it. I can't live in my own skin or this house. It makes me want to disapear because everything around me makes me uncomfortable and crazy. All day I think if I should binge or shouldn't or if I should plan for one or what. But I'm so exhausted and my body is shutting down. Then I worry about how clean my room is and how I'm too tired to make it livable and I have no where clean to sleep.
Bah. I sound like a rambling mad man. I'm going to call my therapist's office to scheduel an appt with my psych for this week. I need drugs to shut my brain off.