2005-06-25, 11:13 p.m.
I wonder if I have some kind of personality disorder that makes me unlikeable. Atleast just not the type of person people are drawn towards. This morning at 4 A.M I joined the college group of my church to capture the incoming freshmen to go out to breakfast. I was very reluctant to go, but since I haven't done anything social with them except the socializing at bible studies (which I frequently miss), I pretty much forced myself to go. I felt like I was walking around with a third limb the whole time, or something, because people barely spoke to me and when they did they approached me hesistantly. In the high school group at church It wasn't like this at all. People seemed to want to get to know me, for whatever reason. I feel like my identity has changed and whatever it has changed to people have no interest in or don't like. The college leader even frequently offends me and hurts my feelings: acting like I am irresponsible, a troublemaker, or unreliable. Little things like not asking to me to read, pray, my opinion on things, or even letting me hold the video camera["not uh!no way!i've seen what you can do to a mint box!"] reinforce these ideas in my head. In the High School group, I was pretty much "number 1" with the youth pastor, and so my actions or ideas were defiently more trusted. To go from that to this is a culture shock. Also, he and his wife, who also is a leader for the small college group, always ask me to events for the group enthusiastically. Then when I come, I'm ignored like they didn't want me there in the first place. His wife buddies up with the other girls, the college leader talks to some of the older guys, and I suddenly am standing alone like a loser. I suddenly miss being a youth pastor's pet in the high school group. I am reminded of another person I have pushed away. I don't think I'm going to go back to the college group anymore.
Tonight, loneliness hits hard. I don't know if it's a result of this morning's fall back with church but it makes me want to knock on my parent's door and cry to my dad. I don't think I've ever done that before but if I were to do it, I would do it tonight. I have the most messed up relationship with my dad: I am so, so angry with him for not making things easier on me when i came home from my sister's, for not listening to my needs, and just not being a better dad in general, but when he's home I hang by his side like a puppy. I still need him and love him Deep down, I think I still hope he will rescue me and love me and take care me of. I guess because he is sane (unlike my mother) and capable of doing that. I need to not be so dependent on him for ...well..everything. For money, shelter, love, and feeling security. But I'm not ready to grow up at all. I was thinking about my problem with the college group and socializing and if my way to fix it is to somehow fix myself I don't think I can. I'm barely holding on to everyday routine. I get stressed out over getting ready for bed and fufilling that routine. If I feel like I need to buy something: like say a t-shirt, then I get overwhelmed and anxious. My plate of functioning with an eating disorder and not strangling my mother is over flowing as is. Throw in stresses of getting out of house once in awhile, medications, socializing, ("shit my library books"), ect, ect..
I know I'm back sliding majorly with my eating disorder. I know I can't do this much longer. I'm getting to the point where I wake up and don't want to get out of bed or open my eyes because I'm afraid of food. I'm afraid i'll eat then i'll have to puke or I'll just keep eating and have to puke more food...and for me it's easier just to stay in bed. There I don't have to do anything. If I get up and try not to do anything, I always fail. Right now I'm trying to contemplate tomorrow: Eat and Puke all day, Restrict and maybe end up eating and puking because I feel bad for eating, or starve. I don't know how i'll starve. I'll have to take drugs to make myself starve. Either lots of ephedra, lots of ephedra and sleeping pills, or just sleeping pills.
This is the only way I know how to cope. I wish tomorrow was Tuesday and I was seeing my drug doctor. I seriously just want to fix this. I'm so done. I'll do anything. Almost. Anything but inpatient. I just can't give over ALL my will and control. I'll do a day program. God, just someone take this away. Make it stop. Someone help me. I don't want to wake up and think about food anymore. I'm tired of worrying about the circumference of my thighs and how flat my stomach is. I'm tired of puking and puking till my throat burns and my legs and face turn numb. My eyes water and face is flushed bright red. I want to die and I plead to die but all I can worry about is if there is still some matter of food left deep down inside of me. So even though i'm digging my nails into my leg and i've thrown up enough food to feed 8 people, i keep puking because there might be a noodle left in me. God i'm so tired of this bull shit. it's so ridiculous. I'm tired of having cracked lips so whenever i open my mouth a certain amount they bleed in the corners, no matter how much chapstick I put on. I'm tired of always being thirsty. I'm tired of my throat always being swollen. i'm tired of not having a life outside of this. how long have i been doing this? I don't want to do this forever. i don't want to be trapped in this forever.
i'm tired of hiding. and being ashamed. and hating who i am. but god, i hate life so much. I wish I was dead.