2005-06-27, 9:50 a.m.
never a dull moment in my home. last night while playing cards I got pissed off at my family and threw my cards all over the place, left the room, and starting sobbing on the couch.
I guess I was just mad at my dad and irritated with my mom. My dad hasn't changed at all since I have returned home. It was stupid of me to expect that something would be different, but I was hoping it might work out a little better this time around. My dad still doesn't defend me when my mom calls me names, my mom is still crazy as ever, and I'm still a nervous wreck. I was upset at my dad yesterday afternoon in particular because my brother came home with his beat up car and my dad dropped everything to help him fix it. He always bitches and moans to me about my brother, about his car, about everything related to my brother, yet my brother gets all the attention in the world. I don't understand why he helps him with his car if brother is suck a prick to my dad and my dad thinks his car is such a waste of time and money. my reaction to all of this was to binge and purge..to spite them. I only was hurting myself though, and no one noticed what was going on inside the house.
But back to cards. I was in a horrid mood after all of that and didn't really want to play but since my brother was there I was obligated. My mom was being bitchy, as usual, and calling me names throughout the whole game. She kept telling me to shut up, calling me stupid, yada yada. My dad didn't say anything. She also was holding up the game and pondering over every card an abnormal amount of time. When my mom and I wanted the same card, but she had first pick over it, I was at my wits ends when she sat there trying to decide "which route she wanted to go". When she yelled at me to shut up, and told me I was being a "sore loser", when infact she was losing out all of us (me being in second FYI), I threw my cards down and retreated to the living room couch where my blanket was. My dad's response was to say sometimes my brother has taken that long as well. I said "Look at her ATTITUDE". He rationalizes everything, not looking at the emotional argument of things. My dad didn't come after me. He never does. He sat in the same room as me watching a DVD while I cried. Frustrated, I got my keys and drove. I scrolled through my cell phone list and realized every single person on my call list is no longer my friend. That didn't help me stop crying.
The only place I could think of to go, where there might be someone, was church. My youth pastor (not the college one, the one from high school) leads sunday night bible study there. I tried to call him on his cell phone, but got no answer, so I drove in a circle to get back to the church. The church lot was empty except for two cars, one car was just leaving. I eyed the driver and it wasn't Rod (YP). I saw Rod walking to one of the other two cards. I wanted to burst out crying in relief. I parked haphazardly in two spots, on the line. I got out of my car and asked him if he had a minute to talk.
In his office chair to chair I explained the story of the evening, how I hate the church college group, and how I know I'm back sliding majorly and depressed and don't want to get out of bed because i'm afraid of how i'll back slide more and what I'll do. He asked me about Julio and if that's helping. I admitted, no. He's not.
He asked me if I'm at a point where I need someone to make decisions for me. Where I want to throw my arms up and let someone who has my best interest in mind take over. I said I don't like being out of control, but I don't want to do this alone anymore. We talked about persuing treatment options and showing Julio I'm serious on Wednesday. He suggested writing a letter saying that I might try to talk him out of it but don't let me, but I wasn't for that. Rod has a dad in the hospital at the moment, and he said if I get some treatment and take care of this, he needs to hire someone in the near future as a type of hospice person when his dad gets out. I know his dad so that'd be cool. I felt like he was bribing me, but I think this treatment thing is a sure thing anyway. I really can't imagine going another week with Julio without some kind of plan or decision. I don't want to leave Julio's and wonder what I accomplished.
I'm going to go visit Rod's dad with him this morning in the hospital. I don't like hospitals. It makes me sad and scared. I'm really sad and scared for Rod's dad. I know he isn't doing well and treatment options for him are running out. Rod said yesterday he looked white as a sheet, and nearly dead...so try not to look shocked today. egh.
As for me, I see BQ drug doctor tomorrow. Wednesday I see Julio. I'm going to tell Julio about the place I was looking up...Rader programs.
About an hour ago I cooked french toast for later. I feel like eating and throwing up. I don't know why.