2005-07-02, 6:11 p.m.
Today has been long and shitty.
I feel fat and ugly and stupid. I woke up feeling really, really cruddy. After grocery shopping with my dad, I napped for like an hour and felt a little better. But during grocery shopping I felt like crud. I just felt really shitty about buying all this stupid food I knew I was just going to throw up. I'm such a piece of shit. I just had to buy it though, and i was so stressed out, because I wanted to make sure I bought the right stuff because of my lack of budget. I was/am so using my dad for binge food.
Then all day I was basically waiting for my parents to leave for the movies so I could eat and puke. But then I couldn't wait and ended up eating a bunch of pasta salad and burnt cookies and puking. Now I feel physically shitty all over again. And angry at myself for not being able to wait. I feel like I screwed up my planned binge which is just lame. I'll probably just end up bingeing again and making myself even fatter. I'm getting so so fat. And so so sick. My throat is constantly hurting and I'm constantly weak and dehydrated. I nearly clogged the total last time I puked, too. Good job, mel.
Last night i came home from dinner with my sister and her friends and ended up eating and puking at like, 11:30 too. I am just so out of control. I use to have a better grip on this. I could tell myself to wait or not feel so urgent about this. Now I feel like I constantly have my head in the toilet. I care but I don't care. I mostly care because it's physically draining. But I don't care about myself personally. I just want to die. I'm so sick of this bullshit.
I know i need treatment, but I feel like a fat piece of lard and treatment will make me fatter. I know, it's suppose to make me get beyond those feelings blah blah but that's shit. I just want to be better NOW and not have to go through all the work.
I got an email from Julio today saying:
"Well there is good news and bad news. Your insurance company has no contracted programs within a 200 mile radius of [My City]. Thats the bad news.
The good news is that since they do not have an existing program ANY program can be contracted. So what needs to happen is that we pick a place and then our office will call the program and see if they are willing to contract with your insurance company. Since we are talking about [My dad's work] I don't think we would have trouble getting a few of them to say yes.
So if you are interested in the Victorian House we can try and see if they contract.
Dont forget the 3G's of mental health!
Get up, Get dressed, Get out of the house!
Do something fun this holiday weekend! Doctors Orders!
J"
I wrote back asking him what he thought I should do, and asking if we could call a few treatment places to see if they will contract. I see him on Tuesday, so I guess we'll see from there.
My stomach won't stop turning and hurting. Lately everytime I purge I feel like my stomach is burning. Like oh, i dunno, I just threw up pounds and pounds of food, turning acid in my insides. I wonder why.