2005-07-08, 3:47 p.m.
I feel like nothing goes right. I guess I'm more of a right brained person, so I try to create or do more artsy things like write, craft, bake, whatever. But in all I do that fall under those categories, I have never been proud of anything I've done. Looking back, infact, everything I have done has been half-assed, thrown together last minute, or associated with frustration. I cannot think of one thing I am responsible of and be proud of it. Everything always goes wrong and looks like shit, or I need assistant to get me through the whole thing, or I end up buying half materials, or something.
I dunno if this makes sense. I feel stupid because it's like, well then maybe the stuff I'm working at isn't my area or passion, but then I don't know what is. I feel like nothing is my "area". I have no talents.
My last appointment with Julio was dumb. We didn't talk about much of anything. I mean, I did bring him the packet of info I got on Rader, and we narrowed down the treatment places I was considering going to, but the rest of the appointment was stupid. By the end of the appointment I felt like nothing was accomplished and I didn't want to leave.
Actually, everytime I have to leave Julio's office I don't want to leave. I guess it's because I'm incredibly lonely and I feel like I work myself up for the appointments, so when I have to go, I don't know what I'm going to do after I leave his office. I feel so empty and directionless. Should I go binge? Should I go home? Now what do I do? I always wish he'd give me some kind of assigment or direction. I always wish I could come back tomorrow. It's pathetic. I need some friends.
I have been so depressed these past weeks. Knowing I'm going into treatment and my life has gone to shit isn't helping. I wake up and binge and purge, shower, then try to decide what to do with my day. Starting my day and puking throws my day off. I'm weak and vulernable. I spend most of my day in my pajamas and infront of the computer. Some days I try to be productive, or tell myself to do one thing and get out of the house, but it's really hard when I have zero energy. And very little money.
There is a lot i could do. I could work on packages I need to send out. I could clean my room. I could dye my hair. I could work on my writing assigment for my writing class (Which i skipped yesterday because i had my head in the toilet)...but instead I feel like I can hardly move. Everytime I get up the room spins and my legs buckle. I know I'm not thin, so it can't be a lack of weight...I haven't weighed myself in ages. I really don't know if i'm gaining or losing. I think i'm gaining. I feel fat and huge. I'm bingeing and purging too much to lose weight. I feel like my head is always in the toilet.
I seriously just want to die already. i hate my life. i hate living. i'm sick of this shit.
Last night I was lying on the couch feeling half hung over from puking all day, watching tv, trying to convince myself not to have another session before bed, and my dad came over to me and kissed me on the cheek and hugged me goodnight. he hasn't done that in so so long. I felt so guilty all of a sudden. and so weird about it. Like, what is his motivation of showing me love? Is he worried? Gosh i'm such a piece of shit and don't deserve his love. I wanted to cry all of a sudden for considering eating and puking his food. I couldn't just take his act of love and feel good.
Every thing in the world makes me feel fucked up and i over anaylze it. It's too much effort to live. I don't want to take the effort to live a normal life.
I don't want to go to treatment. i'm so so scared. i'm so fucking scared. and i'm so alone. god, now i'm sitting here, my knees are against my chest, i'm leaned back awkardly as i type, crying like a freak. i'm so scared, though. julio says i need to go into treatment so he can work with me, not on me. but i'm going alone, not with him. i wish i'd die the next time i threw up. i deserve it.