2005-07-11, 11:17 p.m.
I don't know why I just can't be fucking normal. I just ate a shitload and now I have to go puke. I was too anxious to go to sleep, too lonely to not binge, and so I don't know what I would of rather of done in the situation, but now that I'm full of food and know I have to head to the toilet, i'm pissed at myself.
Besides, I already had huge binge today and told myself that was IT for today. NO MORE. But that never seems to work for me..to tell myself I can't eat anymore. I've probably said it a zillion times but I'm seriously just sick of this bullshit. I've done nothing today but eat and puke. This is ridiculous. Well, i've also thought about how fat and lazy I am.
I know I just need to go purge and get it over with and just go to sleep, but god i'm just so tired of it. I can't muster up the will. The longer I wait, though, the more crackers I fucking eat which just makes the purge ahead longer.
I'm so fucking sick. So. Screwed. Up.
I should of just went to bed. I always say that to myself but I just couldn't. The craving was too strong. God, and here comes my fucking mom. Does she EVER go to sleep? Do I? My mouth is raw and sore from eating too much hard food. I am just a stupid, greedy pig. I see Julio at 9 am tomorrow too.
I ate:
2 burritos with cheese, salsa, and sourcream
1 sandwich
a large plate of fries
a bowl of icecream
2 muffins
and working on a sleeve of crackers
It feels like there was something else. I'm going to go purge. Just get it over with. Go to bed.
I'm getting so so fat.