2005-07-12, 12:15 a.m.

I already updated tonight. But I am not going to not write just because I rambled earlier. hit back to see earlier nonsense.
I was sitting in the the bath tub after I purged and so much was going through my head. I just need some way to sort it. It started with me trying to think of what I want to say tomorrow with Julio, or just my general feelings and new events.
God, everytime I try to do this, a hundred emotions hit me at once. I'm so, so scared.
I feel so lonely.
Most of all, I feel desperate. Desperate in the sense of needing something. I need hope, friends, a window, I need some kind of answers. I don't know, just desperate for direction. Because right now it feels like everything is going wrong. Like there isn't a thing in the world that can save me. I feel like i've royalled screwed up my life. I've irrevesabily messed up my physical and mental health.
I'm scared. Frightened to death. Paralyzed with all these options. Is my happiness in a pill? What am I suppose to do? If I don't go outside today will I miss an opportunity?
I feel like a complete failure. Like everyone is laughing at me. Like this ugly, empty, no one. No idenity, no talents, no nothing. God, i'm 19 and I don't have a single friend. WHY. What is wrong with me? What is so wrong with me that no one can like me?
I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry for whatever I did to deserve all of this. Whatever I did, I'll undue to. I'll pay the price. I didn't mean to be so bad. I just want a life. I just don't want to be so sad anymore. I just want to wake up and be able to get out of bed willingly.
I'm so drained. I just keep crying. I don't know what to do. I don't want to do this alone anymore. I wish I didn't feel like a burdan to everyone constantly. I wish every move I made didn't feel like a mistake. argh. will update again in morning about Julio.