2005-07-13, 8:56 p.m.
Quick entry before I go to bed. I am so tired and it's only 9 PM. I haven't been sleeping.
Yesterday I saw Julio. I guess there was a miscommunication because he didn't have any updates on the inpatient places. Though we chose a couple places near me. After our session, his wife Pat (who works with him), Julio, and I, went into a separate room and discussed how phone calls need to be made and criteria for what places I am looking for. So we decided availability and closest places are most important. Based on that, were just going to go down the list of the ones we picked by the closest, and which ever have an opening...ya..go from there. I just wanted to cry. We were in a separate room and another therapist and another worker walked in as we were discussing this and I felt so vulnerable. Like, HEY, this is my private life. I knew they didn't know what we were talking about, like specifics, but I am so so embarresed still. Like I have to go to INPATIENT for my EATING DISORDER. GAH. It's odd enough Pat even knows. I feel so ashamed. She must think I'm such shit. What does she think? I want to ask Julio but I am afraid. I really like Pat. She's always really nice to me and when I need to make special appointments with Julio, and call up to do that, Julio has me work through her. So I've spoken to her a bit. For Christmas last year I made her a scarf and she seemed to really like it. She talked about how she used it in Yosemite and how it got good use. I just feel...I don't know. Weird. This lady I respect and like knows I have this problem. I feel like this "disease" or "illness" is so shameful and UNrespectful. I don't know.
I didn't intend to write about all of that. Anyway. Julio and I also talked about my dad a lot. It was exhausting and difficult to talk about my dad. I didn't expect to talk about my dad so much during our session either. It was weird because when Julio was explaining something to me, this huge sob came to my throat and all this emotion just came out. I didn't even know really what triggered it. Like what thought or what event. Julio asked what upset me so much and I really had trouble identifying it. After talking about it, we figured it out. We were talking about how I feel like I have control over my dad as of late because of all these fights I have been getting in with him. I am accusing him of being a bad dad, and putting major guilt trips on him. Well, I feel like I am forcing him to do things with me, and kind of shape up I guess. I feel bad because I don't know if the things he's doing are geniune and I feel like I am putting him through a lot whenever he is tired and agrees to do things with me. Like, I ask him to get frozen yogurt with me and he's obviously exhausted but he agrees because he feels he has to, or doesn't want to be a "bad dad", or he is afraid I'll get upset. And I feel bad for putting so much stress on him. I feel really, really bad infact. I don't know what to do because when I ask him to get frozen yogurt or whatever I don't intend to put him through all of that I just geniunly want company, then I realize he's pretty tired. I just can't say "no, no don't come" because he's already coming. So much of me wants company and so much of me feels bad for asking it. Then another problem is everytime I freak out and have a nervous breakdown, I strain my dad a lot. I put him through stress and turmoil and he is forced to resolve it. I know that's his job and stuff but I feel bad. And at the same time, I can't be having these horrible melt downs on a daily basis and expect him to come to my rescue and have him worry for me. It's not fair. But I just can't help it. Julio says I can help it by getting help and going to treatment but I was arguing and getting upset by saying I just can't get over things. I can't find meaning and purpose in life and reasons to live. Julio was talking about how i'm making a lot of progress by examining my life and my anger issues. He says I have to admit that because I respect him, and like him, and Julio sees a future for me and likes me, it puts me through some turmoil and confusion because if someone I like and respect likes and sees something in me that must mean something. (did that make sense?) And I said ya, your prediction for my life either needs to start coming true or you need to change your mind about me because it's confusing me.
He talked about how I'm angry at the world, but he seemed to be a general exception, along with a few others. I said no, I can't really think of anyone else. I'm not mad at others SOMETIMES, but Julio is pretty consistently A-O-K with me, I told him. I felt pretty alone at that moment. Like not just lonely alone, but alone in the world with Julio. I know I have some online friends who are on my side, but in CA, it feels like Julio is the only person truly fighting for me.
I got a call from Julio's wife, Pat(who works there..incase you forgot) last night. My cell phone was dead so I called back this morning. One of the places we were looking into doesn't take insurance, but has the insurance place pay you back. So you have to pay upfront. I don't think my dad would like that..so that place is out. She is going to get back to me about the next place.
I saw old faces today. An old friend, Christie, called me. We hung out all day today. I wanted to tell her I'm going to treatment but not yet. It's hard to tell her what's new when there isn't nothing except my life falling apart. I also saw Marlie from church, the woman who use to drive me to meetings. She just had a baby. I held her baby boy. He's beautiful. I wanted to tell Marlie I'm going into treatment because she knows about my eating disorder but Christie was around. It still doesn't seem real. I feel like i'm just telling myself i'm going into treatment to make myself hang on for a few more moments.
My parents are going on vacation next week. My dad is leaving me with grocery money. I know what i'm going to do all week, being home alone, with lots of money. Ugh. I'm honestly not looking foward to that. Julio said I don't have to spend the money on binge food. I said I wish I couldn't.