fucking out of control
2005-07-18, 1:48 a.m.

My parents left on Friday for a week long vacation. I was left with 110$ and the house to myself.
It is now Sunday night, I have about 14 dollars, and I want to kill myself. On Friday around noon I bought loads of groceries. About 60 dollars worth. I also ordered pizza on my dad's credit card. Since then I feel like I've been bingeing and purging and bingeing purging non stop. I swear my whole body feels swollen and sore.
Now I'm panicking because there is still 5 more days till my parents get home and I only have 14 dollars. That isn't even enough for my frozen yogurt habit...let alone my bulimic habit. I can't even buy the food I keep DOWN. Worse, I can't even ask anyone for money because anyone who I'm close enough to knows I just got over 100 FUCKING DOLLARS. What the hell is wrong with me? I am the queen of stinginess and stretching your dollar. I've never spent so much money, so quickly, and so carelessly in my life. I want to hit my head against something very, very hard. I keep trying to think of ways to undue this problem like selling my clothes at a second hand shop or my books or stealing stuff. Infact, I even took a load of my clothes over at a place but they wouldn't take any of them because they weren't cool or vintage enough or something. I even stole a yogurt at the grocery store because I am lame and didn't want to pay the 50 cents.
Fuck me. I know I have enough food to last the week because I am a bulimic and bulimics can find anything to binge on be it ramen or mac and cheese but I get panicked not having money. I am such a spoiled brat. I want to buy ICECREAM and I want to buy fast food. And what if something happens and I need cash? I don't deserve it.
Not to mention I am so, so fucking lonely. I never realized how lonely it gets being home alone all the time. It's so pathetic but I want my dad. Walking my dog last night and hearing people happy and gathered and laughing on Saturday night made me start to bawl. Why did no one invite me to do anything on Saturday night? I'm so fucking tired of being alone. It's seriously making me feel mad. i can't do this anymore. I know i'm going to spend the rest of the week with my head non-stop in the toilet because i have the house to myself and i can binge as freely as i please. I don't want to but it's like I can't stop myself as long as I can. I almost want to throw out all the food I have but I know if I do i'll FREAK.
I don't even want to get out of bed everyday but then I have to take care of my dog because my parents aren't here. I wish I had energy. I truly, really do. I wish i had motivation to do crafts like I use to. sew something, or bead something. I wish I wasn't so depressed or hungry or anxious. I want a god damn pill that will make me stop shoveling food in. Over the toilet tonight I was just crying. I had to make myself stop so I could purge. I was kicking the wall with anger and frustration. I just didn't want to be there and it wasn't helping that the purge was going to poorly...the food wouldn't come up and it hurt and I was tired.
I'm so tired of life and trying to figure out things. I just want to be dead. I want to die from this. I want god to take my life or make my esophagus tear.
Argh. I have a drug doctor appointment on Tuesday and i don't even know why. Last time I saw him he was basically like, well were done because no drugs work for you because you puke too much and your body is screwed up. So you're going to go to treatment and i won't give you anymore drugs...type deal. So I don't know why I have another appointment. Julio had it schedueled, not my drug doctor. I explained to Julio how it went, so he was aware of how it kind of "ended", so I don't know what the fuck is going on with my meds. I don't think i'm suppose to be on anything yet I am going to him? I guess I'll figure that out on Tuesday. I also e-mailed someone from OA and asked her the address to the church. I'm going to try to go a meeting this week just for the sake of getting out of the house and not purging for 2 hours. I'm suppose to see Julio this week, but i'm on the waiting list so who knows if I'll actually see him.
I'm going to go to bed before I end up eating and puking again. I can only sit still and not eat for so long.