2005-07-20, 6:14 p.m.
I guess I should update about my appointments yesterday.
I saw Julio and my drug doctor yesterday. I saw drug doctor at 9, then Julio later at 11:30 AM. Drug doctor put me back on luvox. I was recently prescribed it, but I just didn't take it. So after I said this time I would actually try it, he wrote me up another prescription. That wasn't really necessary since I have a full prescription at home till. I took it last night and I got woah drowsy. Today I've been too tired to do anything but lay around and sleep a little. I took it again today, which didn't help. But I'm also too tired to eat and puke, which I guess is good.
I was honest with Julio about how shitty this week is going. How I spent nearly 100 dollars of my dad's money on groceries and how my head has been in the toilet. just basically how things are out of control. His reponse? Pat, his wife/worker there has been making phone calls to a treatment place. Ha. I guess I am just hopeless/all he can offer me is inpatient.
Later in our session despondence kind of washed over me. He said there making progress with finding me an IP program, but I was still so sad. It was probably a mix of severe loneliness and not wanting to leave his office to return to my empty house. I'm just going to keep bingeing all week.
Plus Julio said this thing about how ya, IP doesn't always have a 100% success rate, but you have to give it your all. And people with 12 years of sobriety will tell you they may relapse but these past 12 years have been better. He said, would cars sell with a speech like that? No, but ... and I cut him off saying I'd rather die then having to dedicate my life to trying to recover or live going through a roller coasters of success and failures. I don't want my life to be about trying to get a life.
He told me that it's not like that, that maybe the first year is dedicated towards recovery and after that its more establishing a life outside as well, with your recovery.
But it was just so, so discouraging. I just couldn't help thinking..my god..what have I done. What have I gotten myself into? I've fucked up my life so bad.
That's just when I started crying and I couldn't stop for a long time. I said sorry i'm sorry over and over, and he said for what? For crying? I said "Yes!" But I couldn't stop crying because i just couldn't stop thinking about how my life is over because i'm either going to be puking and miserable everyday for the rest of my life, or how recovery is so impossible and how I have to try to attempt the impossible. I was just sitting there across Julio sobbing, and thinking how everything is hopeless. I just had to turn my head off, or I'd keep crying forever.
After our session, I went home and decided to binge. Mid-binge I was so upset at what I was doing, probably reflecting on the appointment and how I'm going to be bingeing everyday forever, I just start sobbing in the middle of eating. Of course, it didn't stop me, but it slowed down my eating. I finished up, and purged, but it sure as hell took the the fun out of that. Not that purging is ever fun.
That evening I went to an OA meeting for the first time in awhile. It was pretty much the same as it always is - which is nice to know they haven't changed - but it was nice to go and see a group of girls with my same feelings. It's also hard to see some people who have been struggling for 10, 15 years and haven't licked this. I don't want to be 40 and still with my head in the toilet every night. I don't want to be 45 and going to meetings on a weekly base to keep my head OUT of the toilet. I want a life outside of this.
I was telling a girl I met at OA when I first started going, and whom I saw last night, about how I'm probably going to treatment. She said it's the hardest thing you'll ever do but it's life changing. She kept talking about how it's amazing. She asked if I was scared and I couldn't help but to cry a little. Tears came to my eyes and I said "like hell." I told her I'm afraid it won't work for me. She said it will be the best thing I'll ever do for myself. She seemed so sure of herself. I know her story, and she's been to hell and back. She's now a sponsor.
I feel all drugged up from the Luvox and topamax. I also took a welbutrin to keep myself from bingeing but now i just feel rubbery and drowsy. And I still feel like bingeing, but i'm just too tired. I'm bored and lonely and too tired to go to the store.