2005-07-29, 8:45 p.m.
Yesterday I was sitting on the computer in the family room, beading a bracelet for a friend. My dad asked me what I was doing and I explained, making a bracelet for a friend whose mother died recently of cancer. He was asking me some questions about it, so we started to talk about it. I was expressing how i thought it would be so difficult being in her situation (not only because of the immediate death) but because she told me her dad was pretty upset and it'd be hard to not have that support and strength. My dad's reaction to that was:
"Well, that's what I would do too if that happened to you. That's why I wish you would take your vitamins." My heart sank when he said that, but I wasn't really concerned with his vitamins lecture. I haven't been really thinking how he is going to take the news of me needing to go to IP, though it has been on my mind a little. I was just worried about him knowing and invading the privacy of my eating disorder, but I didn't even consider how he would feel about me being sick and hurting myself. I know my dad is concerned about me, and cares about me, but he is not one to actively show it. He has been through so much with me: like my constant depression, cutting, therapy, medications he doesn't approve, and not to mention my yelling and screaming and accusations, tears and confessions of pain. But this will be the icing on the cake: to hear how severe my eating disorder is (though he may know even if it's not out in the open) to need to hospitialized. I feel so guilty and ashamed and bad for not considering his feelings and doing this to myself and adding to his worry of life. Not only my dad, but my sister is another worry. My sister always gets so upset when I don't involve her in the bumps and distresses of my life. She wants to help and be involved when things go wrong, and when she is the last to know (which she has been in the last few bad occassions) she was really offended, cried, and concerned. I don't want to do that to her again concering this and leave her in the dark but in this situation it's not that I forgot to call her up or anything of the like - it's just I CAN'T talk about this. It's too private and shameful and difficult to talk about. But I know she won't understand and be just as hurt if not more because of my bad record with this.
I went to a meeting this morning and it was okay - but nothing special as usual. Julio keeps encouraging me and pushing me to go to meetings but I am having trouble seeing reasons to go other then getting out of the house. I am not reeping the benefits I see in the other girls of the meeting. I still may go to another meeting tomorrow morning because I do feel better interacting with others and just general socializing. Its also nice to get some insights on these things and see the light on the other side of things.
Julio is e-mailing me since I saw him. Some of the things he has communicated to me via e-mail have been:
"Any way. Go to meetings. Make a list of Meetings in a 20 mile radius. Start going to every meeting you find. You are looking for a group that you can relate to and that they can relate to you. Some groups and meetings will be better than others. Nevertheless most groups can be supportive of your efforts to stay sober..... "
"Feeling like you cant get binging and barfing out of your mind is the withdrawl affects of not doing your compulsive rituals.
This is where being in an inpatient facility can help. You would be in a safe and structured environment"
" I know this is really hard for you. You are in my thoughts every day.
Remember the 3G's!" [The three G's are something he tells me to do everyday..Get Up, Get Dressed, and Get Out]
I haven't binged and purged for nearly two days. However, I have been on mega diet pills. Lots of ephedra and phentermine. Last night to get to sleep I had to take three sleeping pills. If I make tonight, it will be two days..the longest for awhile. I can't really pat myself on the back since Its diet pill induced. I think I will take some sleeping pills now, eat frozen yogurt, and wait to go to bed in a pill-induced sleep.