2005-07-27, 5:57 p.m.
My mind is going a million miles a minute. I can't believe I am going IP. I feel so trite and stupid and ridiculous for posting this. I know tons of girls have gone through programs and I am just another brick in the wall but I feel like I am the first person ever to feel these stupid horrible feelings.
I feel like I am walking though a cloud.
I don't want to do this. I am going to do this, but I don't want to have to. If that makes sense.
I saw Julio today and he explained what he would tell my dad when we would sit down with him and tell him about my eating disorder and needing to go to IP, and hearing it outloud was so heart shattering. It was so disapointing and so difficult to hear. I didn't want it to be real. I wanted it to go away so I can keep having my safe appointments in my Julio's office and see the nice people behind the desk.
But I have to go away. Because i'm seriously sick and messed up. And I hate myself for that.
Julio canceled someone on his scheduel just for me for next week, and wants to correspond via e-mail this whole week up until then. I know he sees how distressed I am and I appreciate his efforts to keep communication up but I am so sad and so scared. I am so scared to meet with my dad and so scared to have the consultation at the hospital.
I asked Julio to meet with him before and after I meet with my dad and he said of course. He's being really nice but I just keep crying and shaking. I think I am probably over reacting and I don't know why I am so scared but I am probably just starting to deal with feelings I have have avoided this whole time I knew were coming.
After Julio explained what he would say to my dad, that's when I really started crying. I think thats what really made it real.
I just kept crying about how I didn't want to do this. I said I wasn't making sense, but Julio said he understood and he seemed to. It was 4:15 when I left his office, but my appointment should've ended at 4. He gave me a hug, and said "Oh, dear lovely". I said "Thank you". I meant for everything. I said I feel like I am walking in a cloud. While they were schedueling my appointment, I kept daydreaming. Not really thinking about anything, but just felt so so drained. I felt like I could nap. I knew I told Julio about everything new in my week, and we talked about how things are out of control (examples currently in my life) but the appointment is a blur. I remember his wife, Pat, coming in and explaining about St. Joseph and the consultation process and how my insurance is covered 100% but I only remember sitting there trying not to cry and thinking how money doesn't even seem important. I might've started crying. I can't remember pat leaving. I remember my chin on the table's level because I was so exhausted and scared.
I don't know who will initiate our e-mails this week, and i don't know what were suppose to talk about. He said "about this" in reference to IP. Maybe I'll wait till he e-mails me. I feel like trying to lose weight. Like not eating. I don't feel hungry. I feel sad and tired.