2005-07-27, 11:54 a.m.
I've been staying up late to eat and puke. It really effects my next day because I just wake up really late the next day and repeat. I probably could wake up earlier if I wanted to but I can't find any reason to wake up. Some days I wake up late in the morning and think to myself how I should get up, but I just can't find a reason to. So I go back to sleep.
Yesterday morning I woke up and couldn't find a single reason to wake up. I use to try becaue of Julio's "Three G's" rule - Get up, Get dress, and Get out - but it seems so pointless now. So I slept in till one. I might've slept later but I decided to get up and binge. Nice. After my food was cooked, I was binging at 2. Then purging at 4. I was showered and ready to "start my day" at 5; right when my dad got home. It was really depressing. The only reason I got out of the house yesterday was because my dad got his credit card bill and a lot of the charges were mine - paypal clothes on ebay, pizza when he was gone, and who knows what else. So I bolted to the library before he could talk to me. I couldn't check anything out because I have 40 dollars in over due fines (4 books, one trip, good job Melissa). But I spent a good amount of time just reading and browsing. Then I went to a meeting and even arrived late because of my library trip.
I found a book for sale at the Library titled Edie, which is the woman I was staying with before I pissed her off, and I bought it for her. I haven't spoken to her since I left in the middle of the night. After the meeting I went over there planning to leave the book for her with a note. She, too, likes to read. She was home, though, so I just gave her the book. We ended up talking quite friendly like ntohing had happened. I think it was better like that because I didn't want to talk about the bad stuff. She said she'd call me today if she doesn't get called in for work (nurse). She hasn't called me, but it's nice to know I have my scrabble partner back because we both talked about how lonely we have been.
I then went home and tried not to binge. I got frozen yogurt and ate that, and played scrabble online. I even took sleeping pills because I was feeling really energized. Oh, and I even got a call from Julio's office (julio's wife, actually, who works there) who said there was a cancelation today (Wednesday, the next day) and he wanted to offer it to me. I was really happy about that because I was bummed I didn't have an appointment for a couple weeks. I called back and left a message on his voicemail saying I'd take it. Anyway, I was trying not to binge, took sleeping pills to try to calm me down so I could go to sleep, but I ended up bingeing because I felt bloated from frozen yogurt and popcorn (ate that too to try to keep from bingeing).
I got to sleep around 3. I feel like shit. I woke up with a sore throat. I got up at 9 AM (set alarm) because I needed to hear my door bell since I missed the delivery of my phen yesterday to sign for it. They came at 9:30, I bolted up, and signed for it. Then I took it right away and went back to bed in my bedroom.
I don't feel anything yet. I wonder if I'm still use to it from my last round of it. I thought I took it awhile ago, long enough ago. I'm considering taking some ephedra too, or my ebay pills. Maybe I'll wait a little longer.
I'm scared for Julio today. I'm scared he'll be like "Okay, we have an IP place ready, ready to go?!" But I'm also kind of hoping he'll say that. I'm not ready to go to school since I'm just so not in the mindset. I'm sick of living this way. But I can't imagine recoverying. I don't know what I'm going to do. I think to myself everynight while I'm purging that I just want to die already. I guess I am willing to go into IP because I feel like I don't have anything to lose..besides my weight loss. I am just so, so unhappy this way. I really hope I can be helped.