2005-09-20, 8:08 p.m.
Today was better then yesterday. Yesterday during program I got really frustrated and depressed. I wanted to start crying during group because I was so frustrated with the group. I nearly got up several times to go outside and walk around and cry. I just wanted some time to release some emotions but I knew at the same time I should learn to do that with people in the group. But the problem was I was mad at them for being so dumb.
On reflection, I release some counselors/doctors I'm going to like better and some discussions and days are going to go better and are going to be more relatable to me. I guess I was just anxious that the program wasn't right for me and frustrated at how the therapist was leading the group.
I also started my period today so that could be part of my intense emotions lately. Today was much better. I got there no problem (no getting lost) and I felt like the day was more productive. I was actually sad to leave and felt a bit of emptiness and anxiety. The hardest part of the day, though, was to meet with the nutrionist. Her name is Laura and she's tall and thin and pretty. I wanted to hate her at first because of that but she's also very understanding and insightful and smart. She asked me a lot of basic questions about my health but also a lot about my eating habits. She asked about what I binge on and how much and how often. She asked about my food fears and when we made a food plan she tried to work around what I felt like I could eat. I wasn't okay with peanut butter (though I love it) but I felt like I could handle nuts. My food plan is:
1/4 Cup Canteloupe
1/2 Turkey Sandwich
1/4 Cup Canteloupe
12 pretzels or 7 pretzel twists
Nuts (8 peanuts or 3 walnuts or 6 almonds..)
3-6 cups of airpopped popcorn
1 cup of salad
1 tbs of vinagerrete
1 string cheese
I think someone told her I mentioned canteloupe was my favorite fruit. It's crazy to see how everyone is on the same page with my case, and is so aware of my case. I guess i'm not use to people so willing to help and so aware of the help I need. Though I see a lot of different counselors and doctors a day, they all know what's going on with me. They're constantly meeting and updating eachother...even on the stuff I don't say. Just observations. Laura wants to modify my food plan on Thursday. I'm gussing increase it. Rawr. The worse part of the session with her was her honesty. She said she really thinks I should be in full inpatient care. She said all the case management team people met that morning and if necessary, they'll help me find a place. She said she would really like to work with me, and will if it comes down with it, but she's trying to think of my needs first. And whenever she works with someone she tries to think "what does this person really need" and she really thinks I need to have full inpatient care.
My head fogged and I thought it was because I just got my blood drawn for lab tests but I realized it was because this was too much for me too take. I thought i might vomit but I didn't eat anything except for canteloupe that morning. I shakily asked "why" while I tried not to cry. She said because I need to be cut off from my habitual use of ephedra and sugar free red bull. She said because I need distinct time to break the habit of purging. She said this level of care is great for people coming out of inpatient and they'll be happy to work with me when I've gone through that program. I felt like she was saying "Thanks for trying. Bye." I nodded like a bobble head even though I wanted to say "please don't make me go."
Back in the lounge room, It was just me and another patient with Rita, the head woman. She said "so you just saw Laura? I bet that was hard." I said yes, but not only because of getting a food plan. I explained how sad I was over the whole idea of having to go to IP and she said "We've reviewed your case and that is an option in the back of our head. We will help you find a program. You're not doing this alone." Which was funny because I was just thinking how alone I felt. Then she said "But I wouldn't of taken you in if I didn't think you had a fighting chance. I reject plenty of people. These first two weeks are testing the water, but believe me, I could've not taken you." That was encouraging, yet I still felt like shit because I've been feeling like I wasn't all that bad and then all of a sudden they made me feel or realize how fucked up I was.
When I was talking to Laura, we talked about the stuff I went through to binge if I didn't have my needs. Stealing money, scrounging...We talked about a lot of things that made me realize just how fucked up I am. It made me realize just how played down I've been feeling or I've been made to feel.
When I had lunch (half sandwich and fruit) i barely touched the sandiwch. I took a few bites according to them, but I spit two of them into a napkin. I know I'm only hurting myself. It was weird but my mind was fuckign with me. Part of me wanted to skew the sandwich so it looked like I ate even though I didn't and the other part was afraid to make them think I ate because I didn't want them to think I EAT.
Tomorrow I see Julio in the morning then go to the program from 10:30-3:30. I miss an hour.
More to come from my fucked up world.