first day of day program
2005-09-16, 7:09 p.m.

I don't know what to do.
This morning my dad left a note on my car seat explaining that I've "outgrown" my allowance and in order to earn money I have to do a bunch of crap he listed. The stuff he listed was stuff like a dollar for every vitamin I take, bikerides, cleaning my room, and getting good college grades. I feel blackmailed into taking his vitamins and I don't want to bikeride with him. The other problem is I have to withdraw from my classes. The clencher of the note was he wrote "5 dollars for everyday you don't do you know what". I'm guessing that is reffering to puking. It makes me so mad he thinks I can just choose not to and I've been conciously choosing to ruin myself for the past 45645756 nights.
The timing of this couldn't be worse. I had exactly 2.35 for my Taco Bell last night, which was the total, and now I'm broke. To the cent. I feel like god's laughing at me. My dad has pulled my monetary rug from under me. I wrote him a note saying "I need the rest of my allowance. Don't bother me: napping. Melissa" And left it for him in plain site. My parents left to go to dinner and when I came down from napping, the note was gone and where he would use to leave money, there was nothing. I feel trapped. So I tried another approach. I typed the following to leave for him:

I know I've outgrown my allowance. At this moment, however, I really can't adhere to what you are asking of me. I know I must disappoint you and I truly am sorry. Honest to god, I'm so sorry. I wish I could be better. All I am asking is that we could put this on hold for a few months while I try to get my shit together. I've just started trying to turn things around and so I can't do those things you're asking right now. I know you probably don't understand but please don't try to understand because things are hard enough as it is. Please just give me a few months. The timing on this allowance thing is really not good. I know that's only my fault but I'm asking as your daughter to please just trust me.
I love you,

It was honestly what I was feeling at the time and I cried while I wrote it. I thought I could get away with going to day program behind his back but now I don't know. Today at program things went okay as I could expect it to. I got there, filled out a bunch of forms, got introduced, and sat and listened during morning session. Oh, and they had their snack. My yogurt sat infront of me and got warm all day. They were nice about it but I just kind of smiled uncomfortable and shrugged when asked about my food preference. I wanted to say "I like everything. I just don't like to keep it down." During morning session, the main counselor asked me a couple questions but told me before she led me in she'll let me be a fly on the wall for the first day. One girl kept the spot light on herself most of the morning and complained about stuff I thought was kind of lame. I like the head counselor, and we met eyes at one point and smiled a kind of sarcastic, knowing smile. Mine was in reference to the blabbing girl, but I think she was just being friendly because I was quiet and dozing off. Then there was lunch. They said they usually have a wide variey to choose from, but there refridgerators were emptied due to some inspections or something. They'll be restocked on Monday. I chose some pieces of melon and two pieces of broccoli and a salad. I ate the melon and broccoli, and picked the lettuce leafs of the salad. I felt the eyes of the head counselor on me. Another counselor joined us for lunch, and she was introduced to me. I guess she is like, the afternoon counselor who does more of the "fun" activities. After lunch, she asked if we wanted to go on a walk and the head counselor drilled me if I had any protein that day and was wary of letting me go because of how little I had ate. I said it wasn't out of the norm and I'd be okay. She said "ok..but only a short one". It was funny since I usually eat less or could've already binged and purged by now. She also asked me if I was vegetarian or about other food preferences since I moved aside the chicken and cheese in the salad.
After lunch we went for a walk, did "relaxation therapy" which basically was laying on a mat and listening to a CD. I tried not to laugh. Then we did a collage. I was going to get all into it because I wanted to send my first piece of program art to Kaitlee but I got interrupted by a staff who needed me to answer some questions for insurance purposes. So I only glued like, two pictures. We were suppose to do thing about relaxation but I ended up gluing 'burn parents' in the middle of a sun, which got a disapproving frown. Then there was another snack. I took more canteloupe and just kind of played with it. I cut it with my fork and a piece spun across the table. "oops" i said.

Another funny part was after lunch I had to pee. I tried to wait a good amount of time to ask that seemed appropriate so they wouldn't be like "omg you're going to puke your lettuce." But the new counselor who switched with the head one didn't have the keys so she had to get them. I was left with one other patient since two of the other ones left...the babbling one. After a few minutes I kind of chatted and said "gah, I gotta pee" She was like "you really gotta go? ill show you to the communal one." I was like "will we get in in trouble?" and she said no. I said "they keep them locked..that's funny." and she's like " people don't purge and do naughty things. i'm a purger" she seemed proud of that. I think she thought I was anorexic because I didn't eat and therefore it was okay to bring me to the communal bathrooms. While I was peeing, the counselor came in and yelled "is everything okay in here?" i guess so i would talk and be sure I wasn't puking. I didn't respond, but I heard her leave. When I came out, both of them were standing there. I didn't get scolded, but I think the girl did. I found it kind of funny.

The drive is such a pain in the ass I'm considering taking the freeway. I finally cried today. a lot. i wish i had some money so i could get some frozen yogurt. My dad just got home so I'll see what happens with the note.