crying after lunch. ignorance.
2005-09-29, 5:49 p.m.

I just calculated out how many calories they're expecting me to eat in program. 600.
Why does that feel like so much?
Morning snack:
A yogurt and 1/4 cup fruit
A garden patty
12 pretzels
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1 container of apple sauce
Afternoon snack:
12 pretzels
10 peanuts
I mean, these foods can be flipped around of course, but I chose these foods because they feel okay. I started sobbing after lunch today. I asked to use the bathroom WITH A FREKIN BUDDY. because that's what they require..buddy system..but the nutrionist wouldn't allow me to go because she didn't want me to have to have to make a choice in the bathroom while I'm feeling so full. I pouted and turned around and went to the couch and got under a blanket. Then I curled in a ball and literally sobbed. The nutrionist asked if she could put her hand on my shoulder and Rita, the person who admitted me, asked if she could hand me kleenex under the blanket. I nodded to both of them under the blanket and sobbed. Rita stroked my leg which was sticking out of the blanket and I just cried while I hugged my stomach which felt huge. I heard Rita whispering to Laura "I kept telling her yesterday that we really needed her to eat so we could keep her." and Laura said "She was having a really rough time this week". In response, my shoulders shook as I sobbed. I didn't know why I was so upset but my head just said "you suck you suck you'll never get better." Later in group I told Rita I didn't even see it coming. That I just wanted to use the restroom and then suddenly I was crying. Rita said she saw it coming and Laura wasn't trying to be mean and she was just trying to do what was best for me and I said I didn't hear it like that...I just heard that I had done something wrong. I told Rita about my mom some more and about her history with me a little..the police encounters and hitting me and such. While I talked, she said "you have a piece of hair in your eye" I said "Oops, that happens a lot. I don't know if it's my hair or my bangs so I learn to ignore it." She said in response, sadly:
"You've learned to ignore a lot of things, dear."