2005-10-02, 3:59 p.m.
I'm losing weight.
I weighed myself last night and I was 5 pounds less then when I weighed myself last week. I get weighed in tomorrow by the nutrionist. I wonder what she'll say. I ate more this week during program, but my binges are smaller and eating small amounts more frequently has sped up my metabolism.
Yesterday I spent the day with the occupational therapist from the program. She volunteered at a car dealership and I needed something to do, so she asked if I'd like to help as well. I came and didn't know how long I'd stay but ended up helping all day. It was a good day. I had fun with her. She's really nice and laid back. It was odd being with her over the weekend and outside of the hospital. She made some jokes a few times like how the nutrionist was going to kill her because she wasn't making sure I had a snack and was eating properly and stuff like "So, Cathy, you taught Melissa how to gamble" (the event was Casino themed) but it was pretty funny all and all. I joked back and said she was off duty and she didn't need to make sure I ate. She said, well, you need to eat on the weekend too. I said ya, but it's not her respnsibility to make sure I do that. I did eat dinner there and she was like "There you go! Good!" I kind of laughed. But was uncomfortable. She's very motherly so I know she means well. Her parents both died when she was young...when was she was 10 and the other when she was 20. Everything she does in her life kind of reflects that..how she treats her kid (very good) and the fact she doesn't drink because of her mother's death was because of a car accident. I really like her. I wish she would adopt me..haha.
Anyway, I'm at a friend's now so I'll update more later. I'm nervous about tomorrow because I know they'll probably up my food to compensate for my weight loss but I like my weight loss.
On Friday I got pretty upset because someone was leaving and we were talking about the chance of relapsing. I got really discouraged because I just feel like I don't have time to relapse. I don't want to go through treatment, relapse, and then go through it again. I feel like my life is fucked and I don't want to go through all this trial.
I was sitting there and I was thinking "god, I should just kill myself now." if that's what it takes to get better. They were talking about what it takes to recover and were comparing it to going down a mountain and how you have to swerve or how a flat line is bad in medical. You can't try to go striaght or you'll fall flat on your face.
Anyway, this laptop is going to die and I'm trying to think and socialize at the same time. More later.