shitty day.
2005-10-05, 5:03 p.m.

[written yesterday]
I came really depressed. Really lethargic and not hungry. The occupational therapist was there most of the day and usually i like going on our walks and playing basketball and stuff but today I just didn't want to move.
I tried to explain to the psychiatrist that I felt really depressed and discouraged, but he just told me to try to take my meds or up them even though I said I have a problem with upping my meds so rapidly because I'm sensitive to them.
I got pretty angry at the report I had to sign saying I was non-compliant and stuff because I AM TRYING. The staffing report again said that they encourage inpatient and they are going to look into places for me. I just told them I didn't want to go and was crying.
I got pretty mad at lunch at Laura (Nutr.) for telling me pretzels are an "Eating disorder food" because I tried to have pretzels for lunch again today. I was told they were a behavior" I told her I never ate pretzels before I started this program so this program got me hooked on them. Thank you very much. Then I mumbled "eff eating disorder behaviors" under my breath. Laura said "Melissa..". Oops.
By after lunch and nearing snack, I was like stone and really sad. The occupational therapist was trying to have us fill out a calendar of leisure activities but I don't have any activities. I have no friends and nothing to do. I tried to color the calender but I didn't even feel like coloring. I tried to draw on the back of the calender but that made me sadder so I scribbed it out and put my head down.
Then my clip broke when I put my head down and I started to sob. The occupational therapist tried to comfort me but I got up from the table (which was wet from tears) and headed towards the couch. She thought I was getting tissues so she let me. I curled up in a blanket and cried and cried.
She came over after she realized I had been gone for too long and I sobbed and told her I wanted to die and she said not to say that and it scares her. I told her honestly how I felt so discouraged and I want to be dead and I'll never get better and I don't even know why I'm trying to get better because I hate myself.
She said she was going to get some kleenex but when she came back she was with the head of the eating disorder program. Penny, the head of the program, had me talk with her in the other room. We talked a little and she gave the me the psychiatrists number incase I felt suicidal. She offered to check me in their psychiatriac inpatient care and said to call the psychiatrist if I felt needed to be checked in.
I feel numb.