2005-10-08, 11:17 p.m.
I've been slacking on updating mostly due to program and how much time it takes up. I'll try to recap as much as possible before the sleeping pills kick in.
My treatment team is still pushing inpatient. It's basically either show improvement in two weeks (stop purging and start eating) or they'll keep pushing it. I asked them if I refuse if I'll get kicked out of treatment and the case manager said she doesn't know yet but that has happened in the past. It pisses me off that they're not seeing my progress in perspective. On my treatment contract the first week it said something like "non-compliant in meal times" and then last week it said "needs a lot of coercing to eat during program". Well atleast I am EATING NOW without someone pushing me for every bite.
I entered this weekend feeling really crappy about myself. Like, HUGE FAT LARD. I also just felt so lonely and depressed. I called some people but no one could get together with me fast enough. I binged and purged at noon, slept, then got together with someone at 3. Since then I haven't ate anything except a piece of chocolate calcium.
After I saw that friend at 3, I went to a girl who just got discharged from program's house. Well, two girls from program were there but they both just got discharged about a week apart. We went to a coffee shop and collaged and after that we went back to one of their apartment's and watched Girl, Interrupted. I realized how obsessed they are with being sick even though they're recovered. All they do is talk about their past hospitalizations and flaunt it like it's funny or was a good time. At first I smiled and nodded politely, but then it got old.
I also took ephedra even though I supposively gave that up. I gave my ephedra stash to the dietician, but I also kept some at home so that doesn't really do much. I don't know what I'm going to say on Monday if I want to be honest or lie about it. Mondays we have weekend reports and we basically answer questions and rate ourselves over every category. Drugs is on there, and they specifically ask me about ephedra. Either I admit to it, tell a white lie (like I found some and then decided to take it) or just admit to everything. I know lying isn't going to help but I feel like they use my honesty against me just to push me towards inpatient more which isn't cool.
Now I'm really awake and tomorrow morning I'm suppose to be up by 6ish for a garage sale I'm doing with some friends. I took sleeping pills like an hour ago and I'm still wired.