2005-10-10, 7:13 p.m.
They want to send me to inpatient this week. They said they can't keep me at this level of care if I don't go. Basically, I'm getting booted if I don't go.
I don't know what to do.
Either I go inpatient, kill myself, or give up on treatment and binge and purge everyday like the old ways.
I don't want to go inpatient.
Julio suggests I ask them for another chance. I want to do that and really try but I'm afraid I won't succeed and I'll embarress myself and just fail again. I'm also afraid they'll just say no to that request.
I saw Julio after this all went down and I just kept saying "I'm fucked. I'm fucked."
Today in program we did this doodling thing and I doodled "i hate myself and want to die" in small letters on a part of my drawing. I scribbled it out but the rec therapist saw it when cleaning up our drawings. After program she called me, worried about me. She made me promise I won't hurt myself and that I'll be there tomorrow. She said if I don't show she'll come to my house. I said I guess I won't hurt myself and I promise I'll be there tomorrow. She tried to make me say it without "I guess" but I couldn't make it that firm of a promise.
I got caught spitting my food in my napkin during lunch today. I didn't see the point of eating lunch if I was just getting kicked out, but the dietician was really trying to get me to eat my meal or was pushing ensure. She left when I still had half a string cheese and half a sandwich to eat. Her instructions to the rec therapist was to make sure I finish and to check my napkins afterwards because I'm sure it's "tempting" to spit the food out. I had wads of food in napkins in my lap. Immediatly i shoved the napkins except for one in my pockets. When the rec therapist turned away to get something, I shoved half the sandwich in my pocket. ew. She asked to see my napkin and I said no, so she said she'll have to tell the dietician. After that she was really hounding me and watching me. During break I went to the open bathrooms - the ones were not suppose to use down the hall - and the rec therapist came in and yelled my name. I was peeing - you could hear it - and I yelled back YA. I'M HERE. I'M PEEING. When I came out of the stall the rec therapist was standing there still. I didn't look at her as I fixed my makeup and said something about how there's no point in trying if i'm getting booted. When we walked out together, the case manager of the program was standing there with a patient. I was like..wtf...party in the bathroom. That's when the case manager talked to me about inpatient and gave me instructions to call my main doctor to get info from him and then to call the program to get assessed even if I'm not sure yet to hold my bed. it's really nice place..they said..only 6 people and an open bed is rare.
I stood numb. She offered to call my family doctor for me and I said ok. Then she asked if it was okay to call my therapist and I said okay. I walked down the hall to go outside to smoke but the rec therapist dragged me back inside.
After I went to straight to therapy. I'm so worn out and tired of talking about inpatient and tired of people talking about how great it is for me. I just feel like shit and hate myself and want to die. I'm scared for my future and don't think I have a chance and wish I wanted to die more so I would kill myself because I don't want to beat this eating disorder. I want to be a healthy non-eating disorder person but I don't want to fight for it. I'm done fighting.