inpatient vs out...lying.
2005-10-14, 10:26 p.m.

I've been slacking. I've been so busy this week I've hardly had any time to update.
This week I've gotten my blood drawn for labs, an EKG, and two shots. This is all in prep for Oceanaire because the med forms require some medical stuff done before admitting or the dates of the time you got them. I've never been immunized so I have to get the minimum which is still a lot of tests and shots.
I saw Julio on Monday and again today. I guess he doesn't work today but he had a session with me anyway. We sat outside the office on plastic chairs around a table.
Julio has changed from thinking I don't need inpatient to saying if it comes down to it..then whatever is necessary. He said he just wants to see me beyond this.
I told Julio that I've been lying to the staff at program. I'm faking my food journals, purging at program, and not taking full portions at snacks and lunch. Julio says I'm acting out because they're trying to take my "drug" away. I am acting out..I guess..and I'm lying about it. I'm trying to make it look like I'm improving and being compliant so they'll let me stay at program and won't make me go full inpatient. Julio thinks I need to tell the truth because it doesn't do me any good to lie and I need a recovery based on the truth. I told Julio I can't because I can't give them anymore reasons to put me into inpatient. I feel like as soon as they change their mind then I'll actually do the stuff I'm faking.
Except I don't know how I will because I feel so compelled to binge and purge. That's why they want me to go IP to break the binge purge cycle...but I can't. gah. I really do want to do the stuff the staff asks me to but my eating disorder takes over my mind and usually the actions as well.
I know I need to be honest with myself and just say I probably do need inpatient but I just don't want to give up this security blanket yet.
My back hurts from purging. I can't have these big binges anymore because the purges just wipe me out.
I'm scared for this weekend. Usually weekends are fucked up with food and not only will I probably lie about how my weekend goes..I'll probably be drained from the weekend and needing someone to talk to. But since I have to look like the model patient ATM, I can't have problems.
I really wish I knew what to do.