want to b/p
2005-11-04, 11:21 p.m.

Today I purged lunch.
And hid my evening snack.
I had trouble flushing my lunch. I was sure I was going to get caught. Instead of a staff member catching me, another patient did. She came outside while I was sitting on the porch smoking. She said she was worried and concerned. I asked her why and she asked me straight on if I was purging. I didn't lie to her, but hesitated to respond. I told her how I"m feeling and how I feel horrible about purging and want to talk to someone but i'm scared of getting in trouble or privileges not being granted. She suggested I talk to this staff member named Greg. He's the one who asked me if I was okay after purging last night. I wanted to talk to him but I was scared..scared of what he'd do and getting in trouble. Greg did approach me and inquire about one of the sessions this morning. We had to write what we believe in and then share it with the group. Mine wasn't like the other group member's...all positive and shit. I said I didn't want to read it. The group leader, Paul, asked to see it later. I showed him and he spoke a little to me about it. Later, Greg said he spoke to Paul about it and he wanted to talk about it.
Tonight we went to the mall, ralph's, blockbuster, and 7-11. After we got back, I went to the bathroom and when I was washing my hands Greg came in with a huge CD case. He was talking about some bands I should listen to last night and right there in the bathroom he whipped them out and showed me them. Then he lent me two of his CD's. I thought it was so nice of him...and felt really touched. He then brought up paul's group again and what I wrote. He said ya, life is shit, but there are some beautiful parts of it as well. He said we'd talk more about it later. I really wanted to talk to him but I just nodded.
Today I challenged myself in one of there groups..trying to speak honestly. I told the group I was irritable and frustrated. In an exercise, I described how I feel like the groups are a waste of time, not helpful, and stupid. The leader, Emily, wasn't mean about what she said in response. She said she respected my honesty and putting myself out there but she also wanted me to challenge those feelings and challenge myself.
Tomorrow my sister can't come so the session is going to have to be put off. My dad and sister are coming Sunday, though the therapist won't be here.
Tomorrow we only have two groups..thank God. A "core issues" group with a Dr. Kim and an art group.
The urge to binge and purge is getting greater. The urge to restrict my intake here is overwhelming. Especially since all my meals are now up to full portion.
I feel alone and scared and overwhelmed. I keep crying about how I feel like I will never beat this especially since my urge to binge and purge is greater then my will to recover. That makes me sad and panicked. I know I can't binge and purge for the rest of my life but I don't see another road since I feel like I can't stop. It makes me feel so stuck and hopeless.
It's time for lights out.