things suck
2005-11-06, 10:26 p.m.

Today was a hard day. I slept a lot, cried a lot, and saw my dad and sister.
My sister brought up the date of her wedding and that sparked conversation about my dad attending without my mom and how that's going to work. My dad expressed that be decietful to my mom will make him stressed and wanted to just send my sister money for her wedding instead of being there. That ticked me off so much that he would give my mom that power, wouldn't make that sacrifice, and that my mom is ruining something else. My sister seemed hurt and irritated, but she said she's okay with whatever my dad decides to do. I told my dad straight out I'd be pissed if he let my mom stop him.
Today I finally got caught hiding food. I was confronted with a staff a little after lunch. She told me she found the napkin of bread and butter. I was so ashamed and upset with myself and her even if it was my fault. After that I just cried and cried. I'm so afraid I won't be able to do this and so mad at myself for not pushing myself harder and being honest.
This week I'm going to commit to being honest and trying to sit with the discomfort and process it with staff if need be. Tomorrow and tuesday is also contract day so I requested to lower my observation time and go on walks for 15 min on my own. I don't know if I'll get it, though, because I've been replaced at meals three times. I'm angry at myself for not doing better.